Hey Lover

Hey Lover,

I find myself thinking of you now more than I ever have in the time that we've been apart. Life has changed, I'm a mother now. I had only ever dreamed of having kids with you but as life would have it, it didn't turn out that way. I day dream about you at the most random of times. I keep imagining you walking into my workplace for a surprise visit. The probabilities of that occurring are zero to none for obvious reasons of course. Its the momentary satisfaction of my longing for you that makes this mirage worthy of believing.

Damn this digital world we're living in for its many avenues to get to one person. But damn us for giving it our address. If it weren't for it I wouldn't constantly be on your pages looking at your life without me. My aching for you wouldn't be so deep. If it weren't for the many ways I can follow you around I'm quite certain I would not be here thinking about how I could have made it work out with you and I.

Perhaps I should be grateful it didn't work out because I've kind of grown in terms of my perspective on relationships. What we had was beautiful. I loved it but I did not respect it and hold it to the heights that it was supposed to be. I took your love for me for granted. How I wish I had been more loyal, all too late for a wish now. I am however glad I didn't waste your time any further. You were ready for a Queen to hold down your fort for you but I was too full of games. I was with you at a time in my life when I had to heal myself of the may hurts my life had inflicted on me. The thing with love is, you cannot pour from a leaking vessel. I had and I still have love for you but I being the giver was devoid of the wholeness that is needed to make it unquestionable (you know what I mean).
The passion was there but I needed to be whole to make the flame last.

I have never loved another like I loved you. You loved me as I am. Quirks and all. But I disappointed you all so many times. I keep thinking our paths will cross again and we can do it all over again but reality is quite a friendly ghost in my life, a friendly savage. I'll have you know that you have ruined (not really) good music for me. I cannot listen to The Hics without thinking about me in your arms at "the shack". That memory always leaves the sweetest of tastes in my mouth, that of your breath.

Hey Lover, I miss you. I wish I could be your friend. Just so that I'm not a complete stranger to your loving soul. Letting go is not easy but I have to. My life has to go on without you. There is a maturing of my emotions and its sad that its not with you. I hope that what I have put down here will help my heart to lay down all yearning for a life with you. The impossibilities alone are a freshly sharpened dagger pointed at my chest threatening my life, the thoughts have to dismissed with urgency. Life has changed and to steer the train of the tracks is to incite a panicking of the soul and thus unhappiness.

Its best to leave things as they are. But remember love will always carry us through.

Lots of tongue action (hahahaha),
Tlhogi

I Will Not Beg For Life

I will not beg and plead for this life that God has given to me. As a soul that belongs to and is of the Supreme Soul, I have merely been borrowed this human form so that I may give this soul the human experience. I will try in all ways possible to make the most of this human experience as it is not my natural form. I am not of this planet, this truth I know far too well. I am of the Universe as is the trees, the sun and the moon. I cannot beg and bargain with God to have an extension of the time he has judged to be suitable for me to have this human experience. I hear people saying with fear in their voices every time they hear of someone’s passing “these are dire times, we need to keep watch and pray because the devil is on the prowl.” See I don’t allow myself to get sucked into that kind of talk and get consumed by the fear of passing away. What I have come to understand is nothing happens without God’s knowledge of it. As souls we needn’t be shaken by the fact that one day our souls will depart from our human form, we also shouldn’t bother ourselves with details of how and when it will happen. Our main concern is to figure out what it is that we’ve come to learn in this experience, love it and live it.

Bear in mind, when trying to figure out what the lessons we’re here to learn are, we’re brought here fully equipped with what we’ll need. As a camper would not dare journey into the woods without his compass and lantern, we wouldn’t be here without all we need. As the inventor would not place his invention in the market without belief in his invention as fully functional; our creator would not have sent us here if he didn’t believe in his own creation’s ability to live this life.

I am fondly reminded of a quote by Winston Churchill that says “Sure I am that this day we are masters of our fate; that the task which has been set before us is not above our strength; that its pangs and toils are not beyond my endurance. As long as we have faith in our own cause and an unconquerable will to win, victory will not be denied us.” I’m not fully knowledgeable as to what Mr Churchill was making reference to but I can confidently ascertain that he knew that he was fully equipped to face the task which was set before him. In the same way we equip ourselves with knowledge and skill at varsity to excel in our chosen fields of work, God has made us to conquer and will not set before us tasks that are beyond our abilities.

There is a cause to all of our existence. One can only hope that by the time our period on earth comes to an end we have realised our cause and have learned the lessons. I don’t know what the purpose of life is but I know that within that purpose there is a duty towards other human beings, which is to teach one another what we have and are learning. Maya Angelou once said, “At our best we are all teachers” this is a truth that doesn’t require you to look no further than your own life. Your life is a lesson, a message in totality. Each and everyone of us have people who are watching us, whether they are watching you to fall or watching you to rise to your highest level, point is there are people watching you live your life and you yourself are watching others. The idea is to teach while you’re living. Be conscious in your own life; be present in each and every moment. Be who you were created to be; and in so doing, you’ll find yourself teaching the world things you wouldn’t have imagined yourself teaching to other humans.

Stop begging for life from God, he’s already given it to you. Now live it. Be grateful for the days you have and stop losing your hairs over when they’re coming to an end, don’t you know that is God's privileged knowledge? We spit in God’s gift of life to us every time we are overcome by fear to live it. Let love be your compass and don’t be afraid to live.

Rise of the Has-Been Flower

Just a little longer, just a little while. You'll be alright you little flower you. Oh no wait, you not a flower just as yet, you're still a bud. *sigh* I just wish I could skip this stupid phase so I could be a flower already. Being a bud is stupid. No one takes the time to look at a bud, its just as stubby old thing that makes absolutely no sense to anyone. Buds don't get no attention. I know this because I've been a bud and a full grown flower before. And now I'm a bud again. Stupid, silly and plain old useless bud. I'll tell you how I've been a flower before; not yet though, I'm still kvetching about being this dumb thing called a bud.

'Its a process, it takes time, be patient" yap yap yappdy yap yap! I've heard it all before, why can't I just skip this and be the pretty delicate flower that everybody loves. As a full blossomed flower, everybody looks at you with envy, they want to own you. People never want to miss the chance to own something showy to reflect their true characters but in doing so they still want something that will remain graceful in its showiness. And a flower is but the perfect little thing to do just that. When will I get there, as a flower I will belong to somebody. Somebody will tend to me, look at me with pleased eyes as I will be a reflection of their hard work. The work of their very hands. As a flower; my owner will look at me and say "MY flower sure is beautiful!". I know what that will feel like. Not only will I feel wanted but I know for sure that I will feel safe and I will have a sense of belonging.

Oh there I go again. I'm doing it again. What right do I have fantasising about being something so wonderful. I'm just a bud. I could never carry all those petals with as much grace as the others do. Oh I wish I had enough strength in my stem to twirl around in gentle breezes and not fall apart at the feeling of a whiff. Oh how I wish.  

I wasn't talking crazy when I said I know what its like to be a flower yet right now at  this moment I'm a bud. That's because I've been a flower before. A beautiful one at that. A wild flower, I grew in the wilderness where nobody specifically tended to my needs, but still I was the prettiest flower you could ever come across. All sorts of birds hung around me and the bees loved my nectar. One would think that being the most sought after flower by nature; I would be left to grow and just BE. Thats what i wish would've happened, but sadly not. The beautiful ones are not left to be for long; and as nature would have it I was cut of  from the ground and moved to a place where I would be watched closely. That's when I lost my beauty, started to wither and eventually died.

I lost all sense of the beauty that I am when you moved me from my natural habitat, I snapped. Yes, my stem was snapped from the fertile ground that gave me all that I needed. My mind snapped, lost all sanity and am now in state of limbo between what's real and what's not. You should've never removed me from my place of comfort. You should've never introduced me to another kind of living. Great as it may be but its the cause of all this. I was a flower; died, came back to life and now I'm trying to be a flower again. Its going to be a long road to get back to my original state of mind but I'm going to be patient with myself, just as God has been patient with me. Not many understand me, just 1 or 2 and I'm grateful for them. I've been a flower before and I plan on getting there again. A fun , fearless and beautiful flower.

Being on the Borderline

To the one viewing from the outside-in they would think its rather sad but for me that's on the inside and having to live with it, its ok. When you've lived with yourself for some time I guess you just have to accept yourself for what you are.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder sometime last year around this time, on the 3rd of May   to be more exact. The day before my uncle passed away and before my little sister's 12th birthday. I was angry at the time, asking God questions like why me and so forth. I went for therapy for sometime and eventually stopped coz well I left the town I was receiving therapy in. Ran away more honestly. I thought I could escape what was causing this disorder but little did I know how I was running to a place where it would be more aggravated. I hated everyone and everything, I just wanted to be by myself. I wanted nothing to do with anyone in my life then, including my beloved mother. How tragic. But I got back to being normal for a little while, or so I thought. See with me I just never know when I'm going to "act up" again, it just happens. No warnings to myself or the next person. I just do random stuff that later on I can't explain to myself.
I'm very impulsive, meaning whenever I feel like doing something I just do it. Problem is I never want to face the repercussions of my nonsensical behaviour. For example, not so long ago I decided I'm going to spend my rent money, how I was going to replace it was of no importance to me at the time because I just wanted to have fun. Fun, the thing that always lands me in trouble. I go rock star, ape crazy when I want to have a good time. I do what I want to do when I want to do it, oh how I wish I was alone and I had no one to explain myself to when I do such. When I'm being impulsive its terrible, I'd literally talk to myself about what I'm about to do and how I shouldn't do it but guess what, I do it anyway. This umbrellas everything from finances to relationships to eating, heck man if I decide to cut my hair at any given moment I know I'd do it. I don't know why Im so impulsive but after all the action I loathe myself. When the hate for self sinks in I then want to end my life. Lol, I've written more suicidal notes than I could ever bother myself to count. I've accepted it as a way of my life, but no more it ends here.

For a couple of months now I've been thinking that I had this under control because of my new found spirituality. I found God in a new light, I understand him better now because I thought I understood myself better. I've been carrying this idea with me for a while now, the idea of how I'm gonna make it in life. You know; build a life worth living, experience spiritual bliss, give my mother beautiful grandchildren, grow old and just be gat damn happy man. Happiness, a delusion to me really, how the hell did I think I'm ever going to be happy when I'm crazy. My happiness has always been fleeting, stemming from the high I get from alcohol's intoxication or from the amazing people I'm surrounded by. I always feed off of the next person's energy because I have none for myself. The only energy I can generate for myself lasts for no longer than a day or so and I run low again. Its like I'm a malfunctioning machine; I fix myself now with every possible pep talk  I can find on the net, function normally for a day or two and then I fall flat on my face, get suicidal and all until my next fix of pep talk. Its all always up and down for me, never a flat straight road where I can see where I'm going.

I don't expect anyone to understand, more especially black people because mental disorders such as these are seen to be "white people's diseases." I've learned to put on a smile and act normal, well at least I try to act how everyone around me acts. But when I'm alone and the lights go out I'm alone with my mind its a battlefield; my mind, the heart and my soul all put out their guns fighting for my body. My soul always being the soft spoken of the three and the one that prevails but I'm tired of housing these wars now, its tedious. My soul's will to live is countered by my mind's unending beckoning to die everyday. I cannot live like this, I don't want to. I'm glad that it all doesn't end here, I'm so overjoyed that I get another shot at life in a different body and in a next lifetime.

All my relationships are unstable, all of them. From ones with family members, friends, colleagues and my one romantic relationship, they are all unstable. Everyone in my life can testify to how they never know whats going on with me. The one time I'm at an all time high with everyone and things are fantastic, we have grand times and life is just amazing then it all goes bad. I swear its like jumping from Mount Kilimanjaro right down to the Dead sea, and when I'm down in the Dead sea I feel exactly that way...DEAD! I get to a point where I don't want to talk to anyone and I wish I didn't know any of them. I just want to leave and be by myself. I have an internal love/hate relationship with everyone. I'll love you forever but do one silly thing and I hate you  eternally and then I miss you and love you again. I'm retarded like that, I can never be reasonable and think rationally. But I'm sorry guys, its just how I am. You'll never have to deal with my madness again.

I meet a lot of people everyday and I get along with them all. Everyone is full of compliments towards the kind  of person I am. This must be the universe's way of signalling me to keep on keeping on. See if I had a sneak peek of where it is I'll be in the the next year or so then maybe I would keep on but I don't and I don't like what I'm seeing now so I might as well end it all.

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, I get along with the voices inside of my head. You trying to save me, stop holding your breath. You think I'm crazy well that's nothing."
I couldn't have said it better, I've lived with my madness for far too long and I guess I'm ok with it to a certain extent. You on the other hand my beloved one I feel for you, to you all this is just incomprehensible. But let me help you out so you stop holding your breath, I'm ungovernable! I cannot be saved from myself.

Mother, the love I feel for you  goes beyond eternity and infinity itself. I could never love another the way that I love you. Be strong. Life is beautiful and you cannot linger on the thought of a dead loved one for too long. Grow old and beautiful. I hope the little one can give you what I couldn't give to you as the older one.

I have nothing but love for you all.

Blessings

"When one door closes, another opens"
These words, usually said to assuage one when they have been disappointed or when things look bleak for them, are comforting words indeed
But of how much comfort are they really to the one on the receiving end of the assuagement, to the one having to accept these words as a way to ease their minds and pain?
Are they, if any, a sweet lullaby to the one who's ears have heard rejection's discordant "NO"?
What are words of comfort to the one who's heart is being clasped with an iron fist
Oxygen struggles to reach these other organs that you apparently need either that your heart
Your heart is being clutched with a fist that aims to choke the life out of you
Your world is being shattered you feel
There's not way out, no way forward you tell yourself
Disappointment, rejection, disapproval and the like are BITCHES!!
But wait, hold on, breathe because somewhere in between your body and the universe lies a will to press on
Your soul knows not to give into temporary dejection
The eternal and true self knows that beyond all that is negative lies all that is positive, the inherent dualities of life
With this acceptance and knowledge, blessings will find their way to you
When acceptance illuminates your heart, pure consciousness regains its own consciousness and all that was in the dark is brought to light
With light dominating your innerness, all that is meant for you makes its way to you
Blessings are but what we have been desiring all along
Coming at a time when we feel despondent and all is lost, yep that Blessings' M.O.
Changing you whole perspective on life and how it operates, yeah that sounds like Blessings' persuasive character
"When one door closes, another opens", definitely a way that Blessings would make an entrance into your life
Blessings are very much unexpected but with the acceptance of the dualities of life, truly should be expected
Allow yourself to be blessed by granting light access into your heart, in that way your yourself will be a blessing to others
Matlhogonolo (Ma-Chlo-Go-Nolo), yeah that's me...Blessings
My name means blessings, and because I have allowed light to shine in and through me, I know I'm a blessing to the next
You cannot be around me and leave untouched, my soul refuses me to leave you untouched
Its in me and its in my name
I WILL be a blessing to the next because I have been blessed
"When one door closes, another opens"
Allow the door of disappointments to close and let that to blessings open wide

On This Path To Enlightenment

On this path to enlightenment let me not grow weary of the truth
Let my eyes dilate with each of truth's unearthed fossils
Allow my heart to open up and take in all of love's teachings and purge the world's learnings
Let me go all the way, though I pray its an unending road of constant absorption
While darkness will continue to pursue me, let me be repelled by its delusions
Grant my eyes the image of all's true identity and not the facade put on for show
I pray that my soul may always be zealous of what's true
Let the scales fall off of my eyes so I may see the eternal reality
On this path to enlightenment, may my candle bring light to a thousand more candles
Let me be my brother's keeper and make sure he gets onto the path to wisdom
May I always speak the right speech, have the right view and aspiration
Exert the right action, effort and livelihood
And maintain the right mindfulness and concentration
Yes, my day has come for me to blossom, the risk of remaining tight in the bud IS more painful than the risk it takes to blossom
While seeking light, let me be a light
I pray that the workings on my inner and most true self will reflect on this temporary dwelling that is my body
On this path to enlightenment, let me not grow weary of the truth!

What If God Were The Sun?

What if God where the sun?
Would we be more conscious of him?
Would we praise him more for a new day, for the flowers that grow and the sun-dried delicacies we enjoy?
If God were the sun, would it lessen, if not diminish, our doubts of his presence?
Would we revere Him more and pray more earnestly?
Would we be more aware of our own actions as we go about?
Would this propel us into the more loving brother’s keepers we ought to be?
Would harming the next person be an unimaginable thought than the unthought-of action that it is now?
We all go about desperately seeking this God that is spoken of every turn we take
Hoping that he would impart in us the peace that this Jesus speaks of.
We beg unto him like he’s the ruthless king of a perishing kingdom.
We plead with him to give us this life that the elders speak of
“refe bophelo”, “sinike impilo” “gee ons a lewe” “give us life”
For years and years we’ve been asking for this life that we clearly don’t know we already have
Protection against the demons we franticly beseech of him again!
But if he were the sun, would we still run berserk about our protection, feeding, shelter and clothing?
Damn skippy we sure wouldn’t, because he’d be right there. He’d know what we need and when we would need it.
Asking would be doubting the Deity of his abilities.
You poor wretch, God IS the sun
He resides within you, and you know it not
You seek him without whereas he’s already within
He provides for all your needs yet you beg from other mortals
He gives rise to a new day though you draw the curtains, wishing your days away and hoping for better ones
He grows the flowers yet you won’t stop for a second just to smell one
He slowly sets your world in motion but you get impatient and seek the fast and easy route to your wants
He awaits therein you, yearning that you would converse with him but you don’t even know he’s there
This magnificent God that is Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Krishna, Yahweh and all that is Supreme delights in your company.
But because you are too busy trying to box him into the kind of God that you want, you miss on intimate moments with him
Whether it’s in a temple, church, synagogue or tent, he delights in your praise and worship always
He’s too big to be contained, everywhere and here all at the same time
But if he were the sun, that would mean he couldn’t stay around forever
Sunset would steal from our joy and the night our sworn enemy
Therefore I say let’s first grasp the magnitude of the “idea” of God before we can objectify him
Although…in your knowledge and growing wisdom, you will know that God IS the sun
Night time and cloudy days are but patrons in his unnumbered days
Infinite, immeasurable, everlasting, inexhaustible, light-years away but here
God Is The Sun