Life, the very thing that we ought to appreciate, love, grasp with the tightest hold but yet somehow manoeuvre through with utmost ease and care because it can be so fragile and slip away on your guard. This beautiful life, the very one and only one you're given has a very funny way of just switching up on you and leave you with you with hands over head and jaw right at your feet. Or is it us that change towards life? You can just never be certain of anything while you're still on this life. The one minute you think you're at the peak of it and all is swell but the next thing you are rock bottom and everything is spinning out of control, and THAT is where I just lose my mind.
I'm not one who is fascinated by power, the 'exhilarating feeling of knowing YOU are in control' as those who love it explain it. It just doesn't excite me as much. Yeah sure I'd like to think I have some control over things such as my studies, finances, love life and the like. I say some control because there are just so many factors to one area in my life. My studies for example, yes I'm responsible and have control over things such as making sure I have the study material and I study but I have no control over events that lead up to me being unable to study for one. I don't have control over me falling sick and therefore rendering me unable to study for my test, or in my attempt to study I do grasp the information but then being unable to produce it on paper because of some mental block that was caused by the sickens. I'm just saying you know, just throwing it out there. There are way too many things that can cause a person to lose control of things they thought they had control over.
But anyway back to my point, power doesn't excite me but I'm a huge fan of consistency. I cannot take it when things are a gigantic twirl of a non-stop roallercoaster. Some may say this is the beauty of it all but OMG it irks me to the core. I like knowing that 'ok right now we are in a bit of a tussle with life, just keep pushing' and then later on 'right now we are entering a very pleasurable state of mind and all is well'. Kinda like when you're in a plane or bus; "there is anticipated turbulence ahead, please stay seated fasten your safety belts and remain calm", "the cabin crew will be coming around in about twenty minutes time to offer you a light snack and beverage,until then, sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of the flight". I dunno man, something of that sort, you are warned the good and bad. For the sake of one's sanity is what its all about to me.
The only constant thing right now is the inconsistency of my life right now. The one minute I'm happy, all is fine and dandy and the next I just want to crawl into the next rabbit hole and stay there until whatever I'll be going through passes. Endurance is what I lack a friend of mine once said but I beg to differ. Endure craziness?! Endure the mess of a life that you're living?! Well I think not!! If there are people out there who are living in a dream each day, no problems none whatsoever, with exceptions of inevitable ones of which you are aware of, then honey I want that sweet life too. Too dreamy a state of mind I thought to myself the other day but I came back to my senses and assured myself that it honestly is attainable.
This madness called life sometimes makes me feel like I'm bipolar at times. I resent how I would be yearning to go out and just live. Just BE, see the world, spend time with loved ones, read, write, listen to all the beautiful music in the world and then I swear its like someone would say ' hold up lil Missy, who do you think you are, deserving of all this joy you dream about?!' and then they would slap me with a problem that would then send me in some sort of dizzy spell and my world comes crumbling down. Uuuurgggg!!! Totally hate that!
I refuse to let my thirst for life be quenched with unwelcomed obstacles. Can a sister just live though?! GOODNESS!!
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