I've just realised that in this year alone I've had so much drama to deal with and my friends always get dragged into it somehow. I would have loved to deal with it alone but because I don't live alone on my own planet where nobody cares about me, my friends and family just happen to end up in all my menial drama. Here's the thing with me, when I'm going through whatever ish I might be going through I don't want anyone around me, don't want their love, care, support, sympathy, NOTHING. I want nothing at all from anyone. And people never seem to get that its how I deal with my problems. And because people are different I come off as a troubled soul (which I kinda-sorta am). And naturally, in life you WILL go through more than one testing time, we are faced with challenges everyday. So what does that mean for me? I'm always needing time alone.
So here's what I'm getting at, I just feel like I'm tiring to deal with. Actually I am. Obviously people won't be straight out and tell it to me, all in the name of being polite (but I know a few who would, given the chance). I think that being a friend to me is a tedious act and folk will, if not already, grow weary of always chasing me, trying to find out if I'm okay and fixing the relations I have with them because it always seems to happen time and time again. And you know what? I get it, I completely understand if people are tired of me. Shit I'd be tired of me if I was a friend to myself.
But on the contrary a part of me finds it unfair that I should think and feel for my friend and loved ones. Shutting them out without giving them a chance to voice out their thoughts and opinions isn't a reflection of the relations I have with them. Its an unreasonable dismisal. But my essential self finds it okay. Seeing to the fact that I'm a socially incapable girl, it makes sense to do in MY head.
I'm just saying, I won't and will not be shocked when I wake up tomorrow and I don't have any friends because I'm such a 'dramaful' person. I don't expect people to always be there for me and I don't expect them to understand. We can't all be figured out and you know what...I'm absolutely fine with that. I doesn't sadden me or anything because I know the kind of person I am. I know my innermost thoughts, I'm the one that has to go to sleep with my personality and problems and I cannot expect another being to fully comprehend the person that I am. That's God's responsibility. And with that being said, I wouldn't mind waking up in a completely new place, where nobody knows anything about me but that which would be coming from my mouth. Nobody to explain myself to, nobody who cares about me, just new faces and a future to look forward to. Now that would be a dream I'd give my left pinkie for.
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