To the one viewing from the outside-in they would think its rather sad but for me that's on the inside and having to live with it, its ok. When you've lived with yourself for some time I guess you just have to accept yourself for what you are.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder sometime last year around this time, on the 3rd of May to be more exact. The day before my uncle passed away and before my little sister's 12th birthday. I was angry at the time, asking God questions like why me and so forth. I went for therapy for sometime and eventually stopped coz well I left the town I was receiving therapy in. Ran away more honestly. I thought I could escape what was causing this disorder but little did I know how I was running to a place where it would be more aggravated. I hated everyone and everything, I just wanted to be by myself. I wanted nothing to do with anyone in my life then, including my beloved mother. How tragic. But I got back to being normal for a little while, or so I thought. See with me I just never know when I'm going to "act up" again, it just happens. No warnings to myself or the next person. I just do random stuff that later on I can't explain to myself.
I'm very impulsive, meaning whenever I feel like doing something I just do it. Problem is I never want to face the repercussions of my nonsensical behaviour. For example, not so long ago I decided I'm going to spend my rent money, how I was going to replace it was of no importance to me at the time because I just wanted to have fun. Fun, the thing that always lands me in trouble. I go rock star, ape crazy when I want to have a good time. I do what I want to do when I want to do it, oh how I wish I was alone and I had no one to explain myself to when I do such. When I'm being impulsive its terrible, I'd literally talk to myself about what I'm about to do and how I shouldn't do it but guess what, I do it anyway. This umbrellas everything from finances to relationships to eating, heck man if I decide to cut my hair at any given moment I know I'd do it. I don't know why Im so impulsive but after all the action I loathe myself. When the hate for self sinks in I then want to end my life. Lol, I've written more suicidal notes than I could ever bother myself to count. I've accepted it as a way of my life, but no more it ends here.
For a couple of months now I've been thinking that I had this under control because of my new found spirituality. I found God in a new light, I understand him better now because I thought I understood myself better. I've been carrying this idea with me for a while now, the idea of how I'm gonna make it in life. You know; build a life worth living, experience spiritual bliss, give my mother beautiful grandchildren, grow old and just be gat damn happy man. Happiness, a delusion to me really, how the hell did I think I'm ever going to be happy when I'm crazy. My happiness has always been fleeting, stemming from the high I get from alcohol's intoxication or from the amazing people I'm surrounded by. I always feed off of the next person's energy because I have none for myself. The only energy I can generate for myself lasts for no longer than a day or so and I run low again. Its like I'm a malfunctioning machine; I fix myself now with every possible pep talk I can find on the net, function normally for a day or two and then I fall flat on my face, get suicidal and all until my next fix of pep talk. Its all always up and down for me, never a flat straight road where I can see where I'm going.
I don't expect anyone to understand, more especially black people because mental disorders such as these are seen to be "white people's diseases." I've learned to put on a smile and act normal, well at least I try to act how everyone around me acts. But when I'm alone and the lights go out I'm alone with my mind its a battlefield; my mind, the heart and my soul all put out their guns fighting for my body. My soul always being the soft spoken of the three and the one that prevails but I'm tired of housing these wars now, its tedious. My soul's will to live is countered by my mind's unending beckoning to die everyday. I cannot live like this, I don't want to. I'm glad that it all doesn't end here, I'm so overjoyed that I get another shot at life in a different body and in a next lifetime.
All my relationships are unstable, all of them. From ones with family members, friends, colleagues and my one romantic relationship, they are all unstable. Everyone in my life can testify to how they never know whats going on with me. The one time I'm at an all time high with everyone and things are fantastic, we have grand times and life is just amazing then it all goes bad. I swear its like jumping from Mount Kilimanjaro right down to the Dead sea, and when I'm down in the Dead sea I feel exactly that way...DEAD! I get to a point where I don't want to talk to anyone and I wish I didn't know any of them. I just want to leave and be by myself. I have an internal love/hate relationship with everyone. I'll love you forever but do one silly thing and I hate you eternally and then I miss you and love you again. I'm retarded like that, I can never be reasonable and think rationally. But I'm sorry guys, its just how I am. You'll never have to deal with my madness again.
I meet a lot of people everyday and I get along with them all. Everyone is full of compliments towards the kind of person I am. This must be the universe's way of signalling me to keep on keeping on. See if I had a sneak peek of where it is I'll be in the the next year or so then maybe I would keep on but I don't and I don't like what I'm seeing now so I might as well end it all.
"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, I get along with the voices inside of my head. You trying to save me, stop holding your breath. You think I'm crazy well that's nothing."
I couldn't have said it better, I've lived with my madness for far too long and I guess I'm ok with it to a certain extent. You on the other hand my beloved one I feel for you, to you all this is just incomprehensible. But let me help you out so you stop holding your breath, I'm ungovernable! I cannot be saved from myself.
Mother, the love I feel for you goes beyond eternity and infinity itself. I could never love another the way that I love you. Be strong. Life is beautiful and you cannot linger on the thought of a dead loved one for too long. Grow old and beautiful. I hope the little one can give you what I couldn't give to you as the older one.
I have nothing but love for you all.
Wednesday, 9 April 2014
Saturday, 1 March 2014
Blessings
"When one door closes, another opens"
These words, usually said to assuage one when they have been disappointed or when things look bleak for them, are comforting words indeed
But of how much comfort are they really to the one on the receiving end of the assuagement, to the one having to accept these words as a way to ease their minds and pain?
Are they, if any, a sweet lullaby to the one who's ears have heard rejection's discordant "NO"?
What are words of comfort to the one who's heart is being clasped with an iron fist
Oxygen struggles to reach these other organs that you apparently need either that your heart
Your heart is being clutched with a fist that aims to choke the life out of you
Your world is being shattered you feel
There's not way out, no way forward you tell yourself
Disappointment, rejection, disapproval and the like are BITCHES!!
But wait, hold on, breathe because somewhere in between your body and the universe lies a will to press on
Your soul knows not to give into temporary dejection
The eternal and true self knows that beyond all that is negative lies all that is positive, the inherent dualities of life
With this acceptance and knowledge, blessings will find their way to you
When acceptance illuminates your heart, pure consciousness regains its own consciousness and all that was in the dark is brought to light
With light dominating your innerness, all that is meant for you makes its way to you
Blessings are but what we have been desiring all along
Coming at a time when we feel despondent and all is lost, yep that Blessings' M.O.
Changing you whole perspective on life and how it operates, yeah that sounds like Blessings' persuasive character
"When one door closes, another opens", definitely a way that Blessings would make an entrance into your life
Blessings are very much unexpected but with the acceptance of the dualities of life, truly should be expected
Allow yourself to be blessed by granting light access into your heart, in that way your yourself will be a blessing to others
Matlhogonolo (Ma-Chlo-Go-Nolo), yeah that's me...Blessings
My name means blessings, and because I have allowed light to shine in and through me, I know I'm a blessing to the next
You cannot be around me and leave untouched, my soul refuses me to leave you untouched
Its in me and its in my name
I WILL be a blessing to the next because I have been blessed
"When one door closes, another opens"
Allow the door of disappointments to close and let that to blessings open wide
These words, usually said to assuage one when they have been disappointed or when things look bleak for them, are comforting words indeed
But of how much comfort are they really to the one on the receiving end of the assuagement, to the one having to accept these words as a way to ease their minds and pain?
Are they, if any, a sweet lullaby to the one who's ears have heard rejection's discordant "NO"?
What are words of comfort to the one who's heart is being clasped with an iron fist
Oxygen struggles to reach these other organs that you apparently need either that your heart
Your heart is being clutched with a fist that aims to choke the life out of you
Your world is being shattered you feel
There's not way out, no way forward you tell yourself
Disappointment, rejection, disapproval and the like are BITCHES!!
But wait, hold on, breathe because somewhere in between your body and the universe lies a will to press on
Your soul knows not to give into temporary dejection
The eternal and true self knows that beyond all that is negative lies all that is positive, the inherent dualities of life
With this acceptance and knowledge, blessings will find their way to you
When acceptance illuminates your heart, pure consciousness regains its own consciousness and all that was in the dark is brought to light
With light dominating your innerness, all that is meant for you makes its way to you
Blessings are but what we have been desiring all along
Coming at a time when we feel despondent and all is lost, yep that Blessings' M.O.
Changing you whole perspective on life and how it operates, yeah that sounds like Blessings' persuasive character
"When one door closes, another opens", definitely a way that Blessings would make an entrance into your life
Blessings are very much unexpected but with the acceptance of the dualities of life, truly should be expected
Allow yourself to be blessed by granting light access into your heart, in that way your yourself will be a blessing to others
Matlhogonolo (Ma-Chlo-Go-Nolo), yeah that's me...Blessings
My name means blessings, and because I have allowed light to shine in and through me, I know I'm a blessing to the next
You cannot be around me and leave untouched, my soul refuses me to leave you untouched
Its in me and its in my name
I WILL be a blessing to the next because I have been blessed
"When one door closes, another opens"
Allow the door of disappointments to close and let that to blessings open wide
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
On This Path To Enlightenment
On this path to enlightenment let me not grow weary of the truth
Let my eyes dilate with each of truth's unearthed fossils
Allow my heart to open up and take in all of love's teachings and purge the world's learnings
Let me go all the way, though I pray its an unending road of constant absorption
While darkness will continue to pursue me, let me be repelled by its delusions
Grant my eyes the image of all's true identity and not the facade put on for show
I pray that my soul may always be zealous of what's true
Let the scales fall off of my eyes so I may see the eternal reality
On this path to enlightenment, may my candle bring light to a thousand more candles
Let me be my brother's keeper and make sure he gets onto the path to wisdom
May I always speak the right speech, have the right view and aspiration
Exert the right action, effort and livelihood
And maintain the right mindfulness and concentration
Yes, my day has come for me to blossom, the risk of remaining tight in the bud IS more painful than the risk it takes to blossom
While seeking light, let me be a light
I pray that the workings on my inner and most true self will reflect on this temporary dwelling that is my body
On this path to enlightenment, let me not grow weary of the truth!
Let my eyes dilate with each of truth's unearthed fossils
Allow my heart to open up and take in all of love's teachings and purge the world's learnings
Let me go all the way, though I pray its an unending road of constant absorption
While darkness will continue to pursue me, let me be repelled by its delusions
Grant my eyes the image of all's true identity and not the facade put on for show
I pray that my soul may always be zealous of what's true
Let the scales fall off of my eyes so I may see the eternal reality
On this path to enlightenment, may my candle bring light to a thousand more candles
Let me be my brother's keeper and make sure he gets onto the path to wisdom
May I always speak the right speech, have the right view and aspiration
Exert the right action, effort and livelihood
And maintain the right mindfulness and concentration
Yes, my day has come for me to blossom, the risk of remaining tight in the bud IS more painful than the risk it takes to blossom
While seeking light, let me be a light
I pray that the workings on my inner and most true self will reflect on this temporary dwelling that is my body
On this path to enlightenment, let me not grow weary of the truth!
Monday, 10 February 2014
What If God Were The Sun?
What if God where the sun?
Would we be more conscious of him?
Would we praise him more for a new day, for the flowers that grow and the sun-dried delicacies we enjoy?
If God were the sun, would it lessen, if not diminish, our doubts of his presence?
Would we revere Him more and pray more earnestly?
Would we be more aware of our own actions as we go about?
Would this propel us into the more loving brother’s keepers we ought to be?
Would harming the next person be an unimaginable thought than the unthought-of action that it is now?
We all go about desperately seeking this God that is spoken of every turn we take
Hoping that he would impart in us the peace that this Jesus speaks of.
We beg unto him like he’s the ruthless king of a perishing kingdom.
We plead with him to give us this life that the elders speak of
“refe bophelo”, “sinike impilo” “gee ons a lewe” “give us life”
For years and years we’ve been asking for this life that we clearly don’t know we already have
Protection against the demons we franticly beseech of him again!
But if he were the sun, would we still run berserk about our protection, feeding, shelter and clothing?
Damn skippy we sure wouldn’t, because he’d be right there. He’d know what we need and when we would need it.
Asking would be doubting the Deity of his abilities.
You poor wretch, God IS the sun
He resides within you, and you know it not
You seek him without whereas he’s already within
He provides for all your needs yet you beg from other mortals
He gives rise to a new day though you draw the curtains, wishing your days away and hoping for better ones
He grows the flowers yet you won’t stop for a second just to smell one
He slowly sets your world in motion but you get impatient and seek the fast and easy route to your wants
He awaits therein you, yearning that you would converse with him but you don’t even know he’s there
This magnificent God that is Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Krishna, Yahweh and all that is Supreme delights in your company.
But because you are too busy trying to box him into the kind of God that you want, you miss on intimate moments with him
Whether it’s in a temple, church, synagogue or tent, he delights in your praise and worship always
He’s too big to be contained, everywhere and here all at the same time
But if he were the sun, that would mean he couldn’t stay around forever
Sunset would steal from our joy and the night our sworn enemy
Therefore I say let’s first grasp the magnitude of the “idea” of God before we can objectify him
Although…in your knowledge and growing wisdom, you will know that God IS the sun
Night time and cloudy days are but patrons in his unnumbered days
Infinite, immeasurable, everlasting, inexhaustible, light-years away but here
God Is The Sun
Would we be more conscious of him?
Would we praise him more for a new day, for the flowers that grow and the sun-dried delicacies we enjoy?
If God were the sun, would it lessen, if not diminish, our doubts of his presence?
Would we revere Him more and pray more earnestly?
Would we be more aware of our own actions as we go about?
Would this propel us into the more loving brother’s keepers we ought to be?
Would harming the next person be an unimaginable thought than the unthought-of action that it is now?
We all go about desperately seeking this God that is spoken of every turn we take
Hoping that he would impart in us the peace that this Jesus speaks of.
We beg unto him like he’s the ruthless king of a perishing kingdom.
We plead with him to give us this life that the elders speak of
“refe bophelo”, “sinike impilo” “gee ons a lewe” “give us life”
For years and years we’ve been asking for this life that we clearly don’t know we already have
Protection against the demons we franticly beseech of him again!
But if he were the sun, would we still run berserk about our protection, feeding, shelter and clothing?
Damn skippy we sure wouldn’t, because he’d be right there. He’d know what we need and when we would need it.
Asking would be doubting the Deity of his abilities.
You poor wretch, God IS the sun
He resides within you, and you know it not
You seek him without whereas he’s already within
He provides for all your needs yet you beg from other mortals
He gives rise to a new day though you draw the curtains, wishing your days away and hoping for better ones
He grows the flowers yet you won’t stop for a second just to smell one
He slowly sets your world in motion but you get impatient and seek the fast and easy route to your wants
He awaits therein you, yearning that you would converse with him but you don’t even know he’s there
This magnificent God that is Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Krishna, Yahweh and all that is Supreme delights in your company.
But because you are too busy trying to box him into the kind of God that you want, you miss on intimate moments with him
Whether it’s in a temple, church, synagogue or tent, he delights in your praise and worship always
He’s too big to be contained, everywhere and here all at the same time
But if he were the sun, that would mean he couldn’t stay around forever
Sunset would steal from our joy and the night our sworn enemy
Therefore I say let’s first grasp the magnitude of the “idea” of God before we can objectify him
Although…in your knowledge and growing wisdom, you will know that God IS the sun
Night time and cloudy days are but patrons in his unnumbered days
Infinite, immeasurable, everlasting, inexhaustible, light-years away but here
God Is The Sun
Thursday, 6 February 2014
Joy Has Arrived
Joy, in all her beauty, honesty and purity has arrived. Behold, her majesty arrives in her chariot of white horses.
Purity is her core essence! When she arrives at the gateway of your heart, lift up your gates. Be ye lifted up! Ye everlasting doors. Your Majesty is finally here. My heart is besides itself with shock at the sight of Joy's shadow as it precedes her into my heart.
Who am deserving of her royal arrival? Momentary happiness that lasts no longer than the person who brought it around leaves, is what I'm accustomed to.
"You sure you at the right heart?" I nervously asked her. And with all the nonchalance that only Joy can forge, she does a 360 in my hearts' main hall and gaily answers "well I sure am Mary-Anne and it looks like this place could do with a whole lot of sunshine. Open up the curtains along with the windows and you better get used to it coz I'm here to stay missy!"
Well I'd be damned!! Joy knows my name?! This feeling that belongs only to those that have achieved balance and all is dandy in their lives has come to inhabit my dark and frigid heart?!
Might I add how her Highness never travels alone? With her are her eternal compeers Peace and Contentment.
She arrives at a time that I barely expected. The most welcome unannounced guest!
Joy beckoned my soul to open up and let her be. And my soul being the receptive eternal being that it is, opened up like a blossoming lotus flower with each petal reaching as far out as it can to get all the sunshine that Joy exuberates.
My soul opened up and sank its claws and canines into Joy's banquet of all that she is.
Oh my dearest Joy, I didn't see you coming, I wasn't expecting you. But I'm grateful that you are here, right here in my heart where I can embrace you whenever I want to. I understand that you can't stay eternally and this I have accepted as part of the inherent duality of life. But for as long as you're here I will adore you, even when you have departed I still will hold you dear to me. Until this moment, I was yet to experience your blissful presence. And because now I know that you're truly real and know my heart's address, I refuse to accept all that emulates you and make a mockery of your abounding aura.
Joy Has Arrived!!
Purity is her core essence! When she arrives at the gateway of your heart, lift up your gates. Be ye lifted up! Ye everlasting doors. Your Majesty is finally here. My heart is besides itself with shock at the sight of Joy's shadow as it precedes her into my heart.
Who am deserving of her royal arrival? Momentary happiness that lasts no longer than the person who brought it around leaves, is what I'm accustomed to.
"You sure you at the right heart?" I nervously asked her. And with all the nonchalance that only Joy can forge, she does a 360 in my hearts' main hall and gaily answers "well I sure am Mary-Anne and it looks like this place could do with a whole lot of sunshine. Open up the curtains along with the windows and you better get used to it coz I'm here to stay missy!"
Well I'd be damned!! Joy knows my name?! This feeling that belongs only to those that have achieved balance and all is dandy in their lives has come to inhabit my dark and frigid heart?!
Might I add how her Highness never travels alone? With her are her eternal compeers Peace and Contentment.
She arrives at a time that I barely expected. The most welcome unannounced guest!
Joy beckoned my soul to open up and let her be. And my soul being the receptive eternal being that it is, opened up like a blossoming lotus flower with each petal reaching as far out as it can to get all the sunshine that Joy exuberates.
My soul opened up and sank its claws and canines into Joy's banquet of all that she is.
Oh my dearest Joy, I didn't see you coming, I wasn't expecting you. But I'm grateful that you are here, right here in my heart where I can embrace you whenever I want to. I understand that you can't stay eternally and this I have accepted as part of the inherent duality of life. But for as long as you're here I will adore you, even when you have departed I still will hold you dear to me. Until this moment, I was yet to experience your blissful presence. And because now I know that you're truly real and know my heart's address, I refuse to accept all that emulates you and make a mockery of your abounding aura.
Joy Has Arrived!!
Saturday, 7 September 2013
The Colours of My Soul
Paint me with the colours of my soul, I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within. As colourful as the rainbow with the calm of the blue Greece oceans which are only a reflection of the the sky I am told. Higher above this sky I beleive therein lies the Heavens, where my Omnipresent Maker sits on His throne. Paint me with the colours of my soul I said, these ought to be rare colours for I am the epitome of rare. Love me, hate me or feel nothing at all towards me but honey my existance will not go unnoticed.
Monday, 19 August 2013
Its All A Dream...No Its not! Ok I Don't Know
"Snap out of it" that's my daily fix. I can't go a day without saying it of late. I feel like everything is a dream. Me sitting here in front of this PC is as real as it gets but somewhere in the back of my mind I'm having a conversation about how this is a dream and I'm gon wake up in just a bit.
When I google diagnose myself its called depersonalisation. What the heck is that?! I feel like I'm losing my marbles..how many did I have to start with. Good gosh, where do we keep these marbles in the first place for us to start noticing that we're losing them :/ Somebody point me to my marble jar and to he who has all their marbles so I can do reference stock taking.
No seriously though, I'm having the time of my life where I'm at. I'm finally free and doing what makes me happy, answering to no one but the Almighty Himself. Why would such a thing creep up on me like that?! Can I live?! Can I be at a place where the normal operation of my psyche is not threatened by such a "disorder".
Alas my beautiful mind, you are free. Worry not about anyone nor anything else depriving you of your happiness. You have set yourself free from the chains of society where "normal" is celebrated and weird is frowned upon. In fact thou art not weird, thou art different and that is no different from being absolutely awesome. So relax...allow your mind to dance to the unending song of freedom. A free mind, body and soul. You know that is your ultimate dream, to be smack dab at the centre of liberty's party. Take off your clothes and feel the music through your skin. Let your brazen self show off her moves because the whole world ought to see all this. Mick Jagger ain't got nothing on you child, move...move, dammit move to the rhythm of the beat. Listen to that, look around, do you see that? Do you taste that? Its different right? Honey boo that's called freedom and you better get used to it. You are not dreaming because this is as real as it gets. Get used to it.
When I google diagnose myself its called depersonalisation. What the heck is that?! I feel like I'm losing my marbles..how many did I have to start with. Good gosh, where do we keep these marbles in the first place for us to start noticing that we're losing them :/ Somebody point me to my marble jar and to he who has all their marbles so I can do reference stock taking.
No seriously though, I'm having the time of my life where I'm at. I'm finally free and doing what makes me happy, answering to no one but the Almighty Himself. Why would such a thing creep up on me like that?! Can I live?! Can I be at a place where the normal operation of my psyche is not threatened by such a "disorder".
Alas my beautiful mind, you are free. Worry not about anyone nor anything else depriving you of your happiness. You have set yourself free from the chains of society where "normal" is celebrated and weird is frowned upon. In fact thou art not weird, thou art different and that is no different from being absolutely awesome. So relax...allow your mind to dance to the unending song of freedom. A free mind, body and soul. You know that is your ultimate dream, to be smack dab at the centre of liberty's party. Take off your clothes and feel the music through your skin. Let your brazen self show off her moves because the whole world ought to see all this. Mick Jagger ain't got nothing on you child, move...move, dammit move to the rhythm of the beat. Listen to that, look around, do you see that? Do you taste that? Its different right? Honey boo that's called freedom and you better get used to it. You are not dreaming because this is as real as it gets. Get used to it.
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