My Baggage My Luggage My Issues...MY STUFF!!

So I been spending some time with my thoughts. Aren't I always in my thoughts thou?! But I mean really diggin into that grey matter. Digging, searching, and finding all of my junk. No, not finding the sweater I thought my friend stole, searching for my hair pins nor digging through a trunk full of old shoes. I'm talking about searching through all of my stuff, my emotional stuff. Reasons why I act in a certain manner and always react in a certain way to similar situations. From the outside in it just looks like I'm one helluva messed up girl, but its all just an 'acting out' of whats going on on the inside.
Having to literally sit and go through my past experiences and what I felt at the occurence of the happenings wasn't an easy thing to do but it had to be done if I wanted to change where I was at the time. No not geographical location but where I'm at mentally. Where are my thoughts and whats the general make up of my emotional intelligence. Am I where I think I ought to be at this point in time in my life?

And what came of my 'session' is that I'm made up of all my 'stuff'. Past hurts, anger, let downs, dissapointemts and all other junk. One can never run away from their experiences, once in a while we'll lie to ourselves and say "such and such a situation does not define me".
In my case that has all been a carpet pulled over a ticking bomb, a bomb threateing to destroy my very being. Truth is I am my stuff, its mine though and excuse me if it seems like I'm tryna lay all that is me on you, its just so heavy but it is my stuff. Thinking of it in that manner made me go back to Ntozake Shange's work, oh how I love this woman work. He thoughts, the way she relays her happenings in such a real way is beautiful. Even though me and her haven't been throught the same shit I just understand her and connect with her work. It must be a libra woman thing, or better yet an October 18 thing that we have hahahaha.
Here is one of her offerings to colored girls without a rainbow.


              somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff 
not my poems or a dance i gave up in the street
            but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff

like a kleptomaniac workin hard & forgettin while stealin
 this is mine/this aint yr stuff/
now why don’t you put me back & let me hang out in my own self

somebody almost walked off wit alla my stuff ; didn’t care enuf to send a note home sayin 
i was late for my solo conversation
 or two sizes to small for my own tacky skirts

what can anybody do wit somethin of no value on
a open market/ did you getta dime for my things/
hey man/ where are you goin wid alla my stuff/
to ohh & ahh abt/ daddy/ i gotta mainline number 
from my own shit/ now wontcha put me back/ & let
 me play this duet/ wit silver ring in my nose/
honest to god/

somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ 
& i didnt bring anythin but the kick & sway of it 
the perfect ass for my man & none of it is theirs 
this is mine/ ntozake ‘her own things’/ that’s my name
 now give me my stuff/ i see ya hidin my laugh/ & how i
s it wif my legs open sometimes/ to give me 
some sunlight/ & there goes my love my toes my chewed 
up finger nails/ niggah/ wif the curls in yr hair/
mr. louisiana hot link/

i want my stuff back/
my rhythms & my voice/ open my mouth/ & let me talk ya 
outta/ throwin my shit in the sewar/ this is some delicate 
leg & whimsical kiss/ i gotta have to give to my choice/
without you runnin off wit alla my shit/
now you cant have me less i give me away/  i waz
doin all that/ til ya run off on a good thing/

who is this you left me wit/ some simple bitch 
widda bad attitude/ i wants my things/
i want my arm wit the hot iron scar/ & my leg wit the
 flea bite/ i want my calloused feet & quik language back
in my mouth/ fried plantains/ pineapple pear juice/ 
sun-ra & joseph & jules/ i want my own things/ how i lived them/
& give me my memories/ how i waz when i waz there/
you cant have them or do nothin wit them/

stealin my shit from me/ dont make it yrs/ makes it stolen/
somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin
 there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time 
& it waznt a spirit took my stuff/ waz a man whose 
ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow/ waz a man faster
n my innocence/

waz a lover/ i made too much 
room for/ almost run off wit alla my stuff/
& i didnt know i’d give it up so quik/ & the one runnin wit it/
don’t know he got it/ & i’m shoutin this is mine/ & he dont 
know he got it/ my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure
 of the year/

did you know somebody almost got away wit me/
me in a plastic bag under their arm/ me 
danglin on a string of personal carelessness/ i’m spattered wit
 mud & city rain/ & no i didnt get a chance to take a douche/
hey man/ this is not your prerogative/ i gotta have me in my
 pocket/ to get round like a good woman shd/ & make the poem
in the pot or the chicken in the dance/

what i got to do/
i gotta get my stuff to do it to/
why dont ya find yr own things/ & leave this package 
of me for my destiny/ what ya got to get from me/
i’ll give it to ya/ yeh/ i’ll give it to ya/
round 5:00 in the winter/ when the sky is blue-red/
& Dew City is gettin pressed/ if it’s really my stuff/
ya gotta give it to me/ if ya really want it/ i’m 
the only one/ can handle it

-----By: Ntozake Shange.

My Grand Epiphany

Because I know better, I ought to do better. This constant revoking of my feelings, thoughts and overall opinion in order to spare the next person their feelings has proven to be a very toxic habitude, My apparent need to make and try to keep everyone happy has done nothing for me but rip me off of the happiness I was so desperately needing to give out. But with this realization that I'm not to be held accountable for anyone's happiness but my own, I feel a whole lot lighter. One might say "well uhm who appointed you as the happiness giver", and this would be a fair question. Obviously there is no appointment for such, but me being the kind of person that I am, I always feel like he who is around me should have nothing but a smile on their face. Its just something that I love, seeing smiles on people's faces.
And so with me being the kind of person that spares peoples emotions, its only inevitable that I end up in situations, relationships and with things that I no longer need in my life. I'm left with all this emotional junk that I didn't even know I had. That's what happens with wimps, you get stuck with a whole lot of clutter that you don't even know how to get rid of because its far too much. Where do you dump it? How do you even begin to unpack all the rumble?? I don't have the answers to all of that but this morning I realized that God has them. I'm not one to speak to another person about my feelings and all that 'stuff', I've never been able to do that. Its only in the presence of God that I'm able to pour it all out, coz He gets me. And so it was in his oh so awesome presence that I came to this great epiphany. I hold myself responsible for a lot of things that I don't need to which in turn makes me too damn apologetic. A weakling really in totality. But I am done. As off this morning I made the conscious decision to walk away from anything and everything that I've unnecessarily been binding myself to. Robert Tew said it best- "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy." And for me this includes friendships, relationships and commitments I've put myself in.
If it rips me off of my sanity and happiness then I'm through with it. If my reasons for doing something are no longer clear and  sensible to be now then best believe I AM through. This is a long overdue realization but I'm glad it happened now because had it happened a year ago I bet I would've somehow talked myself into staying in a hot mess. I know I'm good at that.
But now that I know better, am grown, more understanding and aware of the need to put my psychological needs first, I'm glad that I will do better. With all the unnecessary relations and friendships out the way, I can now focus my energies on those that I revere. Grateful!!

A Heart That Hoards

Beware the contents of a heart that hoards for when it brings to the reserve what it has been piling, your are sure not to find diamonds and pearls.
Lessons learnt and heartache are what keeps it beating each day with the remembrance of it all.
A heart that hoards never forgets.
Its like an ancient volcanic mountain that only legend has it that it once erupted.
It is able to erupt, knows it should erupt. But it fights it, for the outpouring of its words is like lava. Fast, hot, deathly and irrevocable. It will cause damage. It will burn bridges.
In the secret place where my thoughts are unsifted, raw and honest will I lay it all there. I'll spare you the pain of dealing with the truth. Simply because you are weak.
I despise the day that you made yourself known to me, known to my loved ones. Everything was ok right up until you made your presence known. Some bold appearance you making at that, do your past ways of "dealing" with me not bring shame to you? Does your shame not bring you to your knees? How dare you still come around here with that much of an ego. How dare you demand the respect that an honourable being deserves? You are pathetic!!!
Your insidious plans are transparent. You think your venomous smile and eluding jokes cover it well but my dear your temple is one made of glass. I am prepared though, I plan to be in full armour for the day that you decide you have taken all that you can and are enough. I will not be a victim the second time around.
Fool everyone, even the very apple of my eye, but I your beloved one are well prepared for your silly games. Time is moving fast but not fast enough...I cannot wait to expose you for the scheming bastard that you are!!

Fifty Shades of Lust

Just a few weeks ago I got myself a copy on a very beautiful read, and I have a very famous new type of read to thank for that. It was in such a “oh well” manner how I got the book. I had just popped into a stationary store in the hope of getting my hands on the much then talked about book Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought it would be all over the store since it was the title on everyone’s lips, but to my avail it wasn't.  So I went on onto the Internet to get the author’s name, and since I knew nothing of the book I decided to read the book synopsis while I was at it. Can I just take this moment to thank Wikipedia’s very straightforward and factual way of explaining/ describing/updating us on things of the world, because it took just one sentence from the book’s page on Wikipedia to know EXACTLY what that book was about and I immediately lost all interest in it. It read “Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic novel by British Author E.L James” It took no further reading to know that the book wasn't my glass of wine. 

I mean really, a whole 500 odd paged novel on sexual escapades? Really?! Is that what our reading has been reduced to? I thought we already had almost half of the film industry dedicated to the arousal of people’s minds and their genitals. Is it not enough that people can walk into a store solely made for the exchange of erotic films and all other sexual toys? And need I mention how you may do so at any time of day? Or so I've heard, I mean I wouldn't know of anything of that sort. As if already our televisions aren’t bombarded with all things sexual.  We get the point that “sex sells” but it can’t sell EVERYTHING!! And now somebody had to go on and barge in on such an elite industry as that of books. Just what we need right?!

I’m not saying that there haven’t been any books of this sort, there’s an endless shelf of Mills & Boon in my very own home to contest my word on that. But this one must be a first of its kind; its rather very graphic, or at least I can imagine it to be with the choice of the word ‘erotic’ used to describe it. Its ‘hard-core porn’ whereas the products of Mills & Boon are more tasteful in their nature.  This book is a first of its kind and it hit everybody by storm. It sold over 65 million copies worldwide, now that is a very impressive number. “The fastest-selling paperback of all time” it says on Wikipedia.  

Well it appears that the inhabitants of this world have been waiting for a read such as this. Could it be that finally something extremely sexual wasn't hidden away in a dodgy shop down the street corner? Or maybe its because the age restriction of ‘R Rated’ films was uncapped when put on paper. That should explain the fast pace of its selling. Or could it be that people are more comfortable now to talk about sex, are more people being sexually liberated now? The sales and the talk surrounding this book leaves me with lots of questions regarding us as humans. Are we a sexually frustrated people looking for some sort of relieve from our core lusts? Does our image scream out “must see sex” to the media drivers? So much that it leads them to think that sex must be displayed in all corners possible of  our interaction with the world?                                                 H’mmm don’t think I’ll get all these answers from regular folk but what I can deduce from all this is that there is a yearning for a satisfaction of peoples sexual desires. We are a lustful people!!

The Trivial Drama I Bring

Been doing a lot of introspection lately and I've come to realise that I'm THAAAAT friend!!!! That girl who in all honesty you don't want in your life because all that she ever brings is draaama! I hate to admit it but truth be told I am that girl.
I've just realised that in this year alone I've had so much drama to deal with and my friends always get dragged into it somehow. I would have loved to deal with it alone but because I don't live alone on my own planet where nobody cares about me, my friends and family just happen to end up in all my menial drama. Here's the thing with me, when I'm going through whatever ish I might be going through I don't want anyone around me, don't want their love, care, support, sympathy, NOTHING. I want nothing at all from anyone. And people never seem to get that its how I deal with my problems. And because people are different I come off as a troubled soul (which I kinda-sorta am). And naturally, in life you WILL  go through more than one testing time, we are faced with challenges everyday. So what does that mean for me? I'm always needing time alone.
So here's what I'm getting at, I just feel like I'm tiring to deal with. Actually I am. Obviously people won't be straight out and tell it to me, all in the name of being polite (but I know a few who would, given the chance). I think that being a friend to me is a tedious act and folk will, if not already, grow weary of always chasing me, trying to find out if I'm okay and fixing the relations I have with them because it always seems to happen time and time again. And you know what? I get it, I completely understand if people are tired of me. Shit I'd be tired of me if I was a friend to myself.
But on the contrary a part of me finds it unfair that I should think and feel for my friend and loved ones. Shutting them out without giving them a chance to voice out their thoughts and opinions isn't a reflection of the relations I have with them. Its an unreasonable dismisal. But my essential self finds it okay. Seeing to the fact that I'm a socially incapable girl, it makes sense to do in MY head.
I'm just saying, I won't and will not be shocked when I wake up tomorrow and I don't have any friends because I'm such a 'dramaful' person. I don't expect people to always be there for me and I don't expect them to understand. We can't all be figured out and you know what...I'm absolutely fine with that. I doesn't sadden me or anything because I know  the kind of person I am. I know my innermost thoughts, I'm the one that has to go to sleep with my personality and problems and I cannot expect another being to fully comprehend the person that I am. That's God's responsibility. And with that being said, I wouldn't mind waking up in a completely new place, where nobody knows anything about me but that which would be coming from my mouth. Nobody to explain myself to, nobody who cares about me, just new faces and a future to look forward to. Now that would be a dream I'd give my left pinkie for.

The Perfect Stranger

As of the 13th of October I can strongly and confidently say "I am not in the path that I'm supposed to be in". So on this very random and super chilled Saturday I met the perfect stranger. God sent is how I've made meaning of me meeting with this person. So on that Saturday, after two days of partying hard, I went to a nearby pub. I had just gotten my hair done and I decided let me stop there to get myself a drink and head home. I walked in with no expectations none whatsoever of talking nor meeting someone. I just needed some time alone to think my life through and decide where to from there. I was, and still am, going through a very deep time of self-introspection. Wanting to find out what I want to do with my life. Whether I want to continue with my studies or drop out and continue via a long distance learning institute. And with me thinking this through, in walked this guy who would point me in the right direction. He said hi and me being in my own little world unsuspectectly said hi back. Fast foward to about 15 min later and I'm over at his table talking about him, his line of work and how he got there.
Never in my life have ever had someone speak the very words that my soul needs to hear. This guy, who no longer was a stranger but what is my eyes a heaven sent being told me how he left the life that he had planned and started going towards the life that he was meant to live. He followed his heart. And I being the free spirit that I know I am was so intrigued. We had a very lengthy chat about feeling like you're bound in chains when you don't heed to what you're feeling inside.
I remember reading this one quote that said "As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul." And this quote has since stuck with me, the core meaning to it finally makes absolute sense to me. When you dont heed to the calling of your soul it feels like time wasted and talent untapped. Its all still a bit unclear as to what it is exactly I want to do but I know that right now I'm in the wrong line of "work" so to speak.
So me and this guy went on to my place to chill, we didn't want the day to end. It felt like me and him had known each other for years. I enjoyed the music he liked and vise versa. And oh was this a great time or what, I remember listening to a few hip hop songs and he was shocked at how I knew and loved that much hip hop. When we stoped talking (which was for a few moments) it felt like the music carried on our conversation. The one song that I remember carrying a lot of weight to our talk was The Fire by The Roots ft. John Legend. This song speaks volumes to what I'm feeling, the chorus goes "There's something in your heart, and it's in your eyes. It's the fire, inside you. Let it burn. You don't say good luck, You say don't give up. It's the fire, inside you. Let it burn." For me this song resognated the part of me that so badly wants to take a shot at the burning sensation I get in my chest when I think of doing all the things that make me happy. It also touches on pieces of me that want to just carry on with the 'normal' route and quit all this happy thinking.
Everything happens for a reason and this doesn't exclude my perfect stranger. I beleive I met him to nudge me in the direction of pushing forth my dreams and desires. I might have given up and thought all this to be madness but I sure as heaven won't forget my meeting with this amazing brother man.

12/08/2012 03:43:03 Hung Up On You

Its the morning of my mother's birthday, I'm at my study desk  supposed to be hard in the books but all that I can manage to think about is my tiny little broken heart and how it was so ruthlessly broken.
Like a worthless 5 cent coin one would toss in a pond passing the time of a boring afternoon.
My tiny little heart, how he had no regard of the emotions it just might go through as the repercussions of his actions. My forgotten little heart, he promised to never screw me over. But oh he screwed me over alright, hard at that. My tiny little heart, you're so shattered, how am I ever gonna fix you?! I can't gather all the pieces that belong to you, they're scattered all over with memories spent with him. Precious moments spent loving his admirable soul. Unique in its own right. How am I ever going to get the rest of me from him. He took his love away and here I sit, crying my eyes out over how I actually hadn't grasped the magnitude of the love that I had for the man. It was well over infatuation that which I was feeling for him, it had so beautifully matured into full blown love. It stood in its splendour everytime we shared our time together. So authentic, full of tomorrow. Hh'mm no use crying over spilt milk they say, but the sweet taste of love's nectar is worth seas of my tears. More especially love for a man I so very much adore. For you I will cry a river my sweet because even if you did me so undoubtedly wrong I just can't lie to myself and say I don't love you anymore. I've told you before and I'm saying it again. I don't believe I can stop loving someone, yes they might hurt me or I them and be out of each others lives but that doesn't mean I don't love themanymore.
You were so cold. Friends you suggested. I cannot lie to myself and pretend to enjoy our companionship as merely friends whereas I am still deeply in love with you. I cannot help but question if there was any truth in your words when your uttered "I love you". Repeatedly you said it to me, made me beleive it, brought me  to understand it, you immersed me in your words. Was it all in a "plan" to come back and make a mockery of the love I had develpoed for you? Make her love you then turn around switch the tables on her?
I miss you, terribly so. Not a single day passes by without thinking of you. Memories of our laughter together raid my mind. Healing this broken heart of mine is going to take longer than I had thought. For as long as your face is visible in my mind and I am unable to stop these thoughts, like a broken record they will keep playing. Over and over again with each cleaer than the former. I still needed you. My emotional stability I cannot gurantee to myself. As if already I wasn't emotionally off track.
We had a good thing going, as to what happened and how it happenned is all too hazy for me to try and break down for my own comprehension. All these questions taunt me in more ways than one. I don't know if its fear of rejection or whether its the fact that this is too deep a heartache for me to "investigate" the routes of how I got to be here but I wanna pick the phone up and call you yet I just can't bring myself to. I'm badly hung up on you...need to find my way out of this dark hole soon!!