Hey Lover

Hey Lover,

I find myself thinking of you now more than I ever have in the time that we've been apart. Life has changed, I'm a mother now. I had only ever dreamed of having kids with you but as life would have it, it didn't turn out that way. I day dream about you at the most random of times. I keep imagining you walking into my workplace for a surprise visit. The probabilities of that occurring are zero to none for obvious reasons of course. Its the momentary satisfaction of my longing for you that makes this mirage worthy of believing.

Damn this digital world we're living in for its many avenues to get to one person. But damn us for giving it our address. If it weren't for it I wouldn't constantly be on your pages looking at your life without me. My aching for you wouldn't be so deep. If it weren't for the many ways I can follow you around I'm quite certain I would not be here thinking about how I could have made it work out with you and I.

Perhaps I should be grateful it didn't work out because I've kind of grown in terms of my perspective on relationships. What we had was beautiful. I loved it but I did not respect it and hold it to the heights that it was supposed to be. I took your love for me for granted. How I wish I had been more loyal, all too late for a wish now. I am however glad I didn't waste your time any further. You were ready for a Queen to hold down your fort for you but I was too full of games. I was with you at a time in my life when I had to heal myself of the may hurts my life had inflicted on me. The thing with love is, you cannot pour from a leaking vessel. I had and I still have love for you but I being the giver was devoid of the wholeness that is needed to make it unquestionable (you know what I mean).
The passion was there but I needed to be whole to make the flame last.

I have never loved another like I loved you. You loved me as I am. Quirks and all. But I disappointed you all so many times. I keep thinking our paths will cross again and we can do it all over again but reality is quite a friendly ghost in my life, a friendly savage. I'll have you know that you have ruined (not really) good music for me. I cannot listen to The Hics without thinking about me in your arms at "the shack". That memory always leaves the sweetest of tastes in my mouth, that of your breath.

Hey Lover, I miss you. I wish I could be your friend. Just so that I'm not a complete stranger to your loving soul. Letting go is not easy but I have to. My life has to go on without you. There is a maturing of my emotions and its sad that its not with you. I hope that what I have put down here will help my heart to lay down all yearning for a life with you. The impossibilities alone are a freshly sharpened dagger pointed at my chest threatening my life, the thoughts have to dismissed with urgency. Life has changed and to steer the train of the tracks is to incite a panicking of the soul and thus unhappiness.

Its best to leave things as they are. But remember love will always carry us through.

Lots of tongue action (hahahaha),
Tlhogi

I Will Not Beg For Life

I will not beg and plead for this life that God has given to me. As a soul that belongs to and is of the Supreme Soul, I have merely been borrowed this human form so that I may give this soul the human experience. I will try in all ways possible to make the most of this human experience as it is not my natural form. I am not of this planet, this truth I know far too well. I am of the Universe as is the trees, the sun and the moon. I cannot beg and bargain with God to have an extension of the time he has judged to be suitable for me to have this human experience. I hear people saying with fear in their voices every time they hear of someone’s passing “these are dire times, we need to keep watch and pray because the devil is on the prowl.” See I don’t allow myself to get sucked into that kind of talk and get consumed by the fear of passing away. What I have come to understand is nothing happens without God’s knowledge of it. As souls we needn’t be shaken by the fact that one day our souls will depart from our human form, we also shouldn’t bother ourselves with details of how and when it will happen. Our main concern is to figure out what it is that we’ve come to learn in this experience, love it and live it.

Bear in mind, when trying to figure out what the lessons we’re here to learn are, we’re brought here fully equipped with what we’ll need. As a camper would not dare journey into the woods without his compass and lantern, we wouldn’t be here without all we need. As the inventor would not place his invention in the market without belief in his invention as fully functional; our creator would not have sent us here if he didn’t believe in his own creation’s ability to live this life.

I am fondly reminded of a quote by Winston Churchill that says “Sure I am that this day we are masters of our fate; that the task which has been set before us is not above our strength; that its pangs and toils are not beyond my endurance. As long as we have faith in our own cause and an unconquerable will to win, victory will not be denied us.” I’m not fully knowledgeable as to what Mr Churchill was making reference to but I can confidently ascertain that he knew that he was fully equipped to face the task which was set before him. In the same way we equip ourselves with knowledge and skill at varsity to excel in our chosen fields of work, God has made us to conquer and will not set before us tasks that are beyond our abilities.

There is a cause to all of our existence. One can only hope that by the time our period on earth comes to an end we have realised our cause and have learned the lessons. I don’t know what the purpose of life is but I know that within that purpose there is a duty towards other human beings, which is to teach one another what we have and are learning. Maya Angelou once said, “At our best we are all teachers” this is a truth that doesn’t require you to look no further than your own life. Your life is a lesson, a message in totality. Each and everyone of us have people who are watching us, whether they are watching you to fall or watching you to rise to your highest level, point is there are people watching you live your life and you yourself are watching others. The idea is to teach while you’re living. Be conscious in your own life; be present in each and every moment. Be who you were created to be; and in so doing, you’ll find yourself teaching the world things you wouldn’t have imagined yourself teaching to other humans.

Stop begging for life from God, he’s already given it to you. Now live it. Be grateful for the days you have and stop losing your hairs over when they’re coming to an end, don’t you know that is God's privileged knowledge? We spit in God’s gift of life to us every time we are overcome by fear to live it. Let love be your compass and don’t be afraid to live.

Rise of the Has-Been Flower

Just a little longer, just a little while. You'll be alright you little flower you. Oh no wait, you not a flower just as yet, you're still a bud. *sigh* I just wish I could skip this stupid phase so I could be a flower already. Being a bud is stupid. No one takes the time to look at a bud, its just as stubby old thing that makes absolutely no sense to anyone. Buds don't get no attention. I know this because I've been a bud and a full grown flower before. And now I'm a bud again. Stupid, silly and plain old useless bud. I'll tell you how I've been a flower before; not yet though, I'm still kvetching about being this dumb thing called a bud.

'Its a process, it takes time, be patient" yap yap yappdy yap yap! I've heard it all before, why can't I just skip this and be the pretty delicate flower that everybody loves. As a full blossomed flower, everybody looks at you with envy, they want to own you. People never want to miss the chance to own something showy to reflect their true characters but in doing so they still want something that will remain graceful in its showiness. And a flower is but the perfect little thing to do just that. When will I get there, as a flower I will belong to somebody. Somebody will tend to me, look at me with pleased eyes as I will be a reflection of their hard work. The work of their very hands. As a flower; my owner will look at me and say "MY flower sure is beautiful!". I know what that will feel like. Not only will I feel wanted but I know for sure that I will feel safe and I will have a sense of belonging.

Oh there I go again. I'm doing it again. What right do I have fantasising about being something so wonderful. I'm just a bud. I could never carry all those petals with as much grace as the others do. Oh I wish I had enough strength in my stem to twirl around in gentle breezes and not fall apart at the feeling of a whiff. Oh how I wish.  

I wasn't talking crazy when I said I know what its like to be a flower yet right now at  this moment I'm a bud. That's because I've been a flower before. A beautiful one at that. A wild flower, I grew in the wilderness where nobody specifically tended to my needs, but still I was the prettiest flower you could ever come across. All sorts of birds hung around me and the bees loved my nectar. One would think that being the most sought after flower by nature; I would be left to grow and just BE. Thats what i wish would've happened, but sadly not. The beautiful ones are not left to be for long; and as nature would have it I was cut of  from the ground and moved to a place where I would be watched closely. That's when I lost my beauty, started to wither and eventually died.

I lost all sense of the beauty that I am when you moved me from my natural habitat, I snapped. Yes, my stem was snapped from the fertile ground that gave me all that I needed. My mind snapped, lost all sanity and am now in state of limbo between what's real and what's not. You should've never removed me from my place of comfort. You should've never introduced me to another kind of living. Great as it may be but its the cause of all this. I was a flower; died, came back to life and now I'm trying to be a flower again. Its going to be a long road to get back to my original state of mind but I'm going to be patient with myself, just as God has been patient with me. Not many understand me, just 1 or 2 and I'm grateful for them. I've been a flower before and I plan on getting there again. A fun , fearless and beautiful flower.

Being on the Borderline

To the one viewing from the outside-in they would think its rather sad but for me that's on the inside and having to live with it, its ok. When you've lived with yourself for some time I guess you just have to accept yourself for what you are.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder sometime last year around this time, on the 3rd of May   to be more exact. The day before my uncle passed away and before my little sister's 12th birthday. I was angry at the time, asking God questions like why me and so forth. I went for therapy for sometime and eventually stopped coz well I left the town I was receiving therapy in. Ran away more honestly. I thought I could escape what was causing this disorder but little did I know how I was running to a place where it would be more aggravated. I hated everyone and everything, I just wanted to be by myself. I wanted nothing to do with anyone in my life then, including my beloved mother. How tragic. But I got back to being normal for a little while, or so I thought. See with me I just never know when I'm going to "act up" again, it just happens. No warnings to myself or the next person. I just do random stuff that later on I can't explain to myself.
I'm very impulsive, meaning whenever I feel like doing something I just do it. Problem is I never want to face the repercussions of my nonsensical behaviour. For example, not so long ago I decided I'm going to spend my rent money, how I was going to replace it was of no importance to me at the time because I just wanted to have fun. Fun, the thing that always lands me in trouble. I go rock star, ape crazy when I want to have a good time. I do what I want to do when I want to do it, oh how I wish I was alone and I had no one to explain myself to when I do such. When I'm being impulsive its terrible, I'd literally talk to myself about what I'm about to do and how I shouldn't do it but guess what, I do it anyway. This umbrellas everything from finances to relationships to eating, heck man if I decide to cut my hair at any given moment I know I'd do it. I don't know why Im so impulsive but after all the action I loathe myself. When the hate for self sinks in I then want to end my life. Lol, I've written more suicidal notes than I could ever bother myself to count. I've accepted it as a way of my life, but no more it ends here.

For a couple of months now I've been thinking that I had this under control because of my new found spirituality. I found God in a new light, I understand him better now because I thought I understood myself better. I've been carrying this idea with me for a while now, the idea of how I'm gonna make it in life. You know; build a life worth living, experience spiritual bliss, give my mother beautiful grandchildren, grow old and just be gat damn happy man. Happiness, a delusion to me really, how the hell did I think I'm ever going to be happy when I'm crazy. My happiness has always been fleeting, stemming from the high I get from alcohol's intoxication or from the amazing people I'm surrounded by. I always feed off of the next person's energy because I have none for myself. The only energy I can generate for myself lasts for no longer than a day or so and I run low again. Its like I'm a malfunctioning machine; I fix myself now with every possible pep talk  I can find on the net, function normally for a day or two and then I fall flat on my face, get suicidal and all until my next fix of pep talk. Its all always up and down for me, never a flat straight road where I can see where I'm going.

I don't expect anyone to understand, more especially black people because mental disorders such as these are seen to be "white people's diseases." I've learned to put on a smile and act normal, well at least I try to act how everyone around me acts. But when I'm alone and the lights go out I'm alone with my mind its a battlefield; my mind, the heart and my soul all put out their guns fighting for my body. My soul always being the soft spoken of the three and the one that prevails but I'm tired of housing these wars now, its tedious. My soul's will to live is countered by my mind's unending beckoning to die everyday. I cannot live like this, I don't want to. I'm glad that it all doesn't end here, I'm so overjoyed that I get another shot at life in a different body and in a next lifetime.

All my relationships are unstable, all of them. From ones with family members, friends, colleagues and my one romantic relationship, they are all unstable. Everyone in my life can testify to how they never know whats going on with me. The one time I'm at an all time high with everyone and things are fantastic, we have grand times and life is just amazing then it all goes bad. I swear its like jumping from Mount Kilimanjaro right down to the Dead sea, and when I'm down in the Dead sea I feel exactly that way...DEAD! I get to a point where I don't want to talk to anyone and I wish I didn't know any of them. I just want to leave and be by myself. I have an internal love/hate relationship with everyone. I'll love you forever but do one silly thing and I hate you  eternally and then I miss you and love you again. I'm retarded like that, I can never be reasonable and think rationally. But I'm sorry guys, its just how I am. You'll never have to deal with my madness again.

I meet a lot of people everyday and I get along with them all. Everyone is full of compliments towards the kind  of person I am. This must be the universe's way of signalling me to keep on keeping on. See if I had a sneak peek of where it is I'll be in the the next year or so then maybe I would keep on but I don't and I don't like what I'm seeing now so I might as well end it all.

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, I get along with the voices inside of my head. You trying to save me, stop holding your breath. You think I'm crazy well that's nothing."
I couldn't have said it better, I've lived with my madness for far too long and I guess I'm ok with it to a certain extent. You on the other hand my beloved one I feel for you, to you all this is just incomprehensible. But let me help you out so you stop holding your breath, I'm ungovernable! I cannot be saved from myself.

Mother, the love I feel for you  goes beyond eternity and infinity itself. I could never love another the way that I love you. Be strong. Life is beautiful and you cannot linger on the thought of a dead loved one for too long. Grow old and beautiful. I hope the little one can give you what I couldn't give to you as the older one.

I have nothing but love for you all.

Blessings

"When one door closes, another opens"
These words, usually said to assuage one when they have been disappointed or when things look bleak for them, are comforting words indeed
But of how much comfort are they really to the one on the receiving end of the assuagement, to the one having to accept these words as a way to ease their minds and pain?
Are they, if any, a sweet lullaby to the one who's ears have heard rejection's discordant "NO"?
What are words of comfort to the one who's heart is being clasped with an iron fist
Oxygen struggles to reach these other organs that you apparently need either that your heart
Your heart is being clutched with a fist that aims to choke the life out of you
Your world is being shattered you feel
There's not way out, no way forward you tell yourself
Disappointment, rejection, disapproval and the like are BITCHES!!
But wait, hold on, breathe because somewhere in between your body and the universe lies a will to press on
Your soul knows not to give into temporary dejection
The eternal and true self knows that beyond all that is negative lies all that is positive, the inherent dualities of life
With this acceptance and knowledge, blessings will find their way to you
When acceptance illuminates your heart, pure consciousness regains its own consciousness and all that was in the dark is brought to light
With light dominating your innerness, all that is meant for you makes its way to you
Blessings are but what we have been desiring all along
Coming at a time when we feel despondent and all is lost, yep that Blessings' M.O.
Changing you whole perspective on life and how it operates, yeah that sounds like Blessings' persuasive character
"When one door closes, another opens", definitely a way that Blessings would make an entrance into your life
Blessings are very much unexpected but with the acceptance of the dualities of life, truly should be expected
Allow yourself to be blessed by granting light access into your heart, in that way your yourself will be a blessing to others
Matlhogonolo (Ma-Chlo-Go-Nolo), yeah that's me...Blessings
My name means blessings, and because I have allowed light to shine in and through me, I know I'm a blessing to the next
You cannot be around me and leave untouched, my soul refuses me to leave you untouched
Its in me and its in my name
I WILL be a blessing to the next because I have been blessed
"When one door closes, another opens"
Allow the door of disappointments to close and let that to blessings open wide

On This Path To Enlightenment

On this path to enlightenment let me not grow weary of the truth
Let my eyes dilate with each of truth's unearthed fossils
Allow my heart to open up and take in all of love's teachings and purge the world's learnings
Let me go all the way, though I pray its an unending road of constant absorption
While darkness will continue to pursue me, let me be repelled by its delusions
Grant my eyes the image of all's true identity and not the facade put on for show
I pray that my soul may always be zealous of what's true
Let the scales fall off of my eyes so I may see the eternal reality
On this path to enlightenment, may my candle bring light to a thousand more candles
Let me be my brother's keeper and make sure he gets onto the path to wisdom
May I always speak the right speech, have the right view and aspiration
Exert the right action, effort and livelihood
And maintain the right mindfulness and concentration
Yes, my day has come for me to blossom, the risk of remaining tight in the bud IS more painful than the risk it takes to blossom
While seeking light, let me be a light
I pray that the workings on my inner and most true self will reflect on this temporary dwelling that is my body
On this path to enlightenment, let me not grow weary of the truth!

What If God Were The Sun?

What if God where the sun?
Would we be more conscious of him?
Would we praise him more for a new day, for the flowers that grow and the sun-dried delicacies we enjoy?
If God were the sun, would it lessen, if not diminish, our doubts of his presence?
Would we revere Him more and pray more earnestly?
Would we be more aware of our own actions as we go about?
Would this propel us into the more loving brother’s keepers we ought to be?
Would harming the next person be an unimaginable thought than the unthought-of action that it is now?
We all go about desperately seeking this God that is spoken of every turn we take
Hoping that he would impart in us the peace that this Jesus speaks of.
We beg unto him like he’s the ruthless king of a perishing kingdom.
We plead with him to give us this life that the elders speak of
“refe bophelo”, “sinike impilo” “gee ons a lewe” “give us life”
For years and years we’ve been asking for this life that we clearly don’t know we already have
Protection against the demons we franticly beseech of him again!
But if he were the sun, would we still run berserk about our protection, feeding, shelter and clothing?
Damn skippy we sure wouldn’t, because he’d be right there. He’d know what we need and when we would need it.
Asking would be doubting the Deity of his abilities.
You poor wretch, God IS the sun
He resides within you, and you know it not
You seek him without whereas he’s already within
He provides for all your needs yet you beg from other mortals
He gives rise to a new day though you draw the curtains, wishing your days away and hoping for better ones
He grows the flowers yet you won’t stop for a second just to smell one
He slowly sets your world in motion but you get impatient and seek the fast and easy route to your wants
He awaits therein you, yearning that you would converse with him but you don’t even know he’s there
This magnificent God that is Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Krishna, Yahweh and all that is Supreme delights in your company.
But because you are too busy trying to box him into the kind of God that you want, you miss on intimate moments with him
Whether it’s in a temple, church, synagogue or tent, he delights in your praise and worship always
He’s too big to be contained, everywhere and here all at the same time
But if he were the sun, that would mean he couldn’t stay around forever
Sunset would steal from our joy and the night our sworn enemy
Therefore I say let’s first grasp the magnitude of the “idea” of God before we can objectify him
Although…in your knowledge and growing wisdom, you will know that God IS the sun
Night time and cloudy days are but patrons in his unnumbered days
Infinite, immeasurable, everlasting, inexhaustible, light-years away but here
God Is The Sun

Joy Has Arrived

Joy, in all her beauty, honesty and purity has arrived. Behold, her majesty arrives in her chariot of white horses.
Purity is her core essence! When she arrives at the gateway of your heart, lift up your gates. Be ye lifted up! Ye everlasting doors. Your Majesty is finally here. My heart is besides itself with shock at the sight of Joy's shadow as it precedes her into my heart.
Who am deserving of her royal arrival? Momentary happiness that lasts no longer than the person who brought it around leaves, is what I'm accustomed to.
"You sure you at the right heart?" I nervously asked her. And with all the nonchalance that only Joy can forge, she does a 360 in my hearts' main hall and gaily answers "well I sure am Mary-Anne and it looks like this place could do with a whole lot of sunshine. Open up the curtains along with the windows and you better get used to it coz I'm here to stay missy!"
Well I'd be damned!! Joy knows my name?! This feeling that belongs only to those that have achieved balance and all is dandy in their lives has come to inhabit my dark and frigid heart?!
Might I add how her Highness never travels alone? With her are her eternal compeers Peace and Contentment.

She arrives at a time that I barely expected. The most welcome unannounced guest!
Joy beckoned my soul to open up and let her be. And my soul being the receptive eternal being that it is, opened up like a blossoming lotus flower with each petal reaching as far out as it can to get all the sunshine that Joy exuberates.
My soul opened up and sank its claws and canines into Joy's banquet of all that she is.
Oh my dearest Joy, I didn't see you coming, I wasn't expecting you. But I'm grateful that you are here, right here in my heart where I can embrace you whenever I want to. I understand that you can't stay eternally and this I have accepted as part of the inherent duality of life. But for as long as you're here I will adore you, even when you have departed I still will hold you dear to me. Until this moment, I was yet to experience your blissful presence. And because now I know that you're truly real and know my heart's address, I refuse to accept all that emulates you and make a mockery of your abounding aura.
Joy Has Arrived!!

The Colours of My Soul

 

Paint me with the colours of my soul, I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within. As colourful as the rainbow with the calm of the blue Greece oceans which are only a reflection of the the sky I am told. Higher above this sky I beleive therein lies the Heavens, where my Omnipresent Maker sits on His throne. Paint me with the colours of my soul I said, these ought to be rare colours for I am the epitome of rare. Love me, hate me or feel nothing at all towards me but honey my existance will not go unnoticed.

Its All A Dream...No Its not! Ok I Don't Know

"Snap out of it" that's my daily fix. I can't go a day without saying it of late. I feel like everything is a dream. Me sitting here in front of this PC is as real as it gets but somewhere in the back of my mind I'm having a conversation about how this is a dream and I'm gon wake up in just a bit.
When I google diagnose myself its called depersonalisation. What the heck is that?! I feel like I'm losing my marbles..how many did I have to start with. Good gosh, where do we keep these marbles in the first place for us to start noticing that we're losing them :/ Somebody point me to my marble jar and to he who has all their marbles so I can do reference stock taking.
No seriously though, I'm having the time of my life where I'm at. I'm finally free and doing what makes me happy, answering to no one but the Almighty Himself. Why would such a thing creep up on me like that?! Can I live?! Can I be at a place where the normal operation of my psyche is not threatened by such a "disorder".
Alas my beautiful mind, you are free. Worry not about anyone nor anything else depriving you of your happiness. You have set yourself free from the chains of society where "normal" is celebrated and weird is frowned upon. In fact thou art not weird, thou art different and that is no different from being absolutely awesome. So relax...allow your mind to dance to the unending song of freedom. A free mind, body and soul. You know that is your ultimate dream, to be smack dab at the centre of liberty's party. Take off your clothes and feel the music through your skin. Let your brazen self show off her moves because the whole world ought to see all this. Mick Jagger ain't got nothing on you child, move...move, dammit move to the rhythm of the beat. Listen to that, look around, do you see that? Do you taste that? Its different right? Honey boo that's called freedom and you better get used to it. You are not dreaming because this is as real as it gets. Get used to it.

My Baggage My Luggage My Issues...MY STUFF!!

So I been spending some time with my thoughts. Aren't I always in my thoughts thou?! But I mean really diggin into that grey matter. Digging, searching, and finding all of my junk. No, not finding the sweater I thought my friend stole, searching for my hair pins nor digging through a trunk full of old shoes. I'm talking about searching through all of my stuff, my emotional stuff. Reasons why I act in a certain manner and always react in a certain way to similar situations. From the outside in it just looks like I'm one helluva messed up girl, but its all just an 'acting out' of whats going on on the inside.
Having to literally sit and go through my past experiences and what I felt at the occurence of the happenings wasn't an easy thing to do but it had to be done if I wanted to change where I was at the time. No not geographical location but where I'm at mentally. Where are my thoughts and whats the general make up of my emotional intelligence. Am I where I think I ought to be at this point in time in my life?

And what came of my 'session' is that I'm made up of all my 'stuff'. Past hurts, anger, let downs, dissapointemts and all other junk. One can never run away from their experiences, once in a while we'll lie to ourselves and say "such and such a situation does not define me".
In my case that has all been a carpet pulled over a ticking bomb, a bomb threateing to destroy my very being. Truth is I am my stuff, its mine though and excuse me if it seems like I'm tryna lay all that is me on you, its just so heavy but it is my stuff. Thinking of it in that manner made me go back to Ntozake Shange's work, oh how I love this woman work. He thoughts, the way she relays her happenings in such a real way is beautiful. Even though me and her haven't been throught the same shit I just understand her and connect with her work. It must be a libra woman thing, or better yet an October 18 thing that we have hahahaha.
Here is one of her offerings to colored girls without a rainbow.


              somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff 
not my poems or a dance i gave up in the street
            but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff

like a kleptomaniac workin hard & forgettin while stealin
 this is mine/this aint yr stuff/
now why don’t you put me back & let me hang out in my own self

somebody almost walked off wit alla my stuff ; didn’t care enuf to send a note home sayin 
i was late for my solo conversation
 or two sizes to small for my own tacky skirts

what can anybody do wit somethin of no value on
a open market/ did you getta dime for my things/
hey man/ where are you goin wid alla my stuff/
to ohh & ahh abt/ daddy/ i gotta mainline number 
from my own shit/ now wontcha put me back/ & let
 me play this duet/ wit silver ring in my nose/
honest to god/

somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ 
& i didnt bring anythin but the kick & sway of it 
the perfect ass for my man & none of it is theirs 
this is mine/ ntozake ‘her own things’/ that’s my name
 now give me my stuff/ i see ya hidin my laugh/ & how i
s it wif my legs open sometimes/ to give me 
some sunlight/ & there goes my love my toes my chewed 
up finger nails/ niggah/ wif the curls in yr hair/
mr. louisiana hot link/

i want my stuff back/
my rhythms & my voice/ open my mouth/ & let me talk ya 
outta/ throwin my shit in the sewar/ this is some delicate 
leg & whimsical kiss/ i gotta have to give to my choice/
without you runnin off wit alla my shit/
now you cant have me less i give me away/  i waz
doin all that/ til ya run off on a good thing/

who is this you left me wit/ some simple bitch 
widda bad attitude/ i wants my things/
i want my arm wit the hot iron scar/ & my leg wit the
 flea bite/ i want my calloused feet & quik language back
in my mouth/ fried plantains/ pineapple pear juice/ 
sun-ra & joseph & jules/ i want my own things/ how i lived them/
& give me my memories/ how i waz when i waz there/
you cant have them or do nothin wit them/

stealin my shit from me/ dont make it yrs/ makes it stolen/
somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin
 there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time 
& it waznt a spirit took my stuff/ waz a man whose 
ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow/ waz a man faster
n my innocence/

waz a lover/ i made too much 
room for/ almost run off wit alla my stuff/
& i didnt know i’d give it up so quik/ & the one runnin wit it/
don’t know he got it/ & i’m shoutin this is mine/ & he dont 
know he got it/ my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure
 of the year/

did you know somebody almost got away wit me/
me in a plastic bag under their arm/ me 
danglin on a string of personal carelessness/ i’m spattered wit
 mud & city rain/ & no i didnt get a chance to take a douche/
hey man/ this is not your prerogative/ i gotta have me in my
 pocket/ to get round like a good woman shd/ & make the poem
in the pot or the chicken in the dance/

what i got to do/
i gotta get my stuff to do it to/
why dont ya find yr own things/ & leave this package 
of me for my destiny/ what ya got to get from me/
i’ll give it to ya/ yeh/ i’ll give it to ya/
round 5:00 in the winter/ when the sky is blue-red/
& Dew City is gettin pressed/ if it’s really my stuff/
ya gotta give it to me/ if ya really want it/ i’m 
the only one/ can handle it

-----By: Ntozake Shange.

My Grand Epiphany

Because I know better, I ought to do better. This constant revoking of my feelings, thoughts and overall opinion in order to spare the next person their feelings has proven to be a very toxic habitude, My apparent need to make and try to keep everyone happy has done nothing for me but rip me off of the happiness I was so desperately needing to give out. But with this realization that I'm not to be held accountable for anyone's happiness but my own, I feel a whole lot lighter. One might say "well uhm who appointed you as the happiness giver", and this would be a fair question. Obviously there is no appointment for such, but me being the kind of person that I am, I always feel like he who is around me should have nothing but a smile on their face. Its just something that I love, seeing smiles on people's faces.
And so with me being the kind of person that spares peoples emotions, its only inevitable that I end up in situations, relationships and with things that I no longer need in my life. I'm left with all this emotional junk that I didn't even know I had. That's what happens with wimps, you get stuck with a whole lot of clutter that you don't even know how to get rid of because its far too much. Where do you dump it? How do you even begin to unpack all the rumble?? I don't have the answers to all of that but this morning I realized that God has them. I'm not one to speak to another person about my feelings and all that 'stuff', I've never been able to do that. Its only in the presence of God that I'm able to pour it all out, coz He gets me. And so it was in his oh so awesome presence that I came to this great epiphany. I hold myself responsible for a lot of things that I don't need to which in turn makes me too damn apologetic. A weakling really in totality. But I am done. As off this morning I made the conscious decision to walk away from anything and everything that I've unnecessarily been binding myself to. Robert Tew said it best- "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy." And for me this includes friendships, relationships and commitments I've put myself in.
If it rips me off of my sanity and happiness then I'm through with it. If my reasons for doing something are no longer clear and  sensible to be now then best believe I AM through. This is a long overdue realization but I'm glad it happened now because had it happened a year ago I bet I would've somehow talked myself into staying in a hot mess. I know I'm good at that.
But now that I know better, am grown, more understanding and aware of the need to put my psychological needs first, I'm glad that I will do better. With all the unnecessary relations and friendships out the way, I can now focus my energies on those that I revere. Grateful!!

A Heart That Hoards

Beware the contents of a heart that hoards for when it brings to the reserve what it has been piling, your are sure not to find diamonds and pearls.
Lessons learnt and heartache are what keeps it beating each day with the remembrance of it all.
A heart that hoards never forgets.
Its like an ancient volcanic mountain that only legend has it that it once erupted.
It is able to erupt, knows it should erupt. But it fights it, for the outpouring of its words is like lava. Fast, hot, deathly and irrevocable. It will cause damage. It will burn bridges.
In the secret place where my thoughts are unsifted, raw and honest will I lay it all there. I'll spare you the pain of dealing with the truth. Simply because you are weak.
I despise the day that you made yourself known to me, known to my loved ones. Everything was ok right up until you made your presence known. Some bold appearance you making at that, do your past ways of "dealing" with me not bring shame to you? Does your shame not bring you to your knees? How dare you still come around here with that much of an ego. How dare you demand the respect that an honourable being deserves? You are pathetic!!!
Your insidious plans are transparent. You think your venomous smile and eluding jokes cover it well but my dear your temple is one made of glass. I am prepared though, I plan to be in full armour for the day that you decide you have taken all that you can and are enough. I will not be a victim the second time around.
Fool everyone, even the very apple of my eye, but I your beloved one are well prepared for your silly games. Time is moving fast but not fast enough...I cannot wait to expose you for the scheming bastard that you are!!

Fifty Shades of Lust

Just a few weeks ago I got myself a copy on a very beautiful read, and I have a very famous new type of read to thank for that. It was in such a “oh well” manner how I got the book. I had just popped into a stationary store in the hope of getting my hands on the much then talked about book Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought it would be all over the store since it was the title on everyone’s lips, but to my avail it wasn't.  So I went on onto the Internet to get the author’s name, and since I knew nothing of the book I decided to read the book synopsis while I was at it. Can I just take this moment to thank Wikipedia’s very straightforward and factual way of explaining/ describing/updating us on things of the world, because it took just one sentence from the book’s page on Wikipedia to know EXACTLY what that book was about and I immediately lost all interest in it. It read “Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic novel by British Author E.L James” It took no further reading to know that the book wasn't my glass of wine. 

I mean really, a whole 500 odd paged novel on sexual escapades? Really?! Is that what our reading has been reduced to? I thought we already had almost half of the film industry dedicated to the arousal of people’s minds and their genitals. Is it not enough that people can walk into a store solely made for the exchange of erotic films and all other sexual toys? And need I mention how you may do so at any time of day? Or so I've heard, I mean I wouldn't know of anything of that sort. As if already our televisions aren’t bombarded with all things sexual.  We get the point that “sex sells” but it can’t sell EVERYTHING!! And now somebody had to go on and barge in on such an elite industry as that of books. Just what we need right?!

I’m not saying that there haven’t been any books of this sort, there’s an endless shelf of Mills & Boon in my very own home to contest my word on that. But this one must be a first of its kind; its rather very graphic, or at least I can imagine it to be with the choice of the word ‘erotic’ used to describe it. Its ‘hard-core porn’ whereas the products of Mills & Boon are more tasteful in their nature.  This book is a first of its kind and it hit everybody by storm. It sold over 65 million copies worldwide, now that is a very impressive number. “The fastest-selling paperback of all time” it says on Wikipedia.  

Well it appears that the inhabitants of this world have been waiting for a read such as this. Could it be that finally something extremely sexual wasn't hidden away in a dodgy shop down the street corner? Or maybe its because the age restriction of ‘R Rated’ films was uncapped when put on paper. That should explain the fast pace of its selling. Or could it be that people are more comfortable now to talk about sex, are more people being sexually liberated now? The sales and the talk surrounding this book leaves me with lots of questions regarding us as humans. Are we a sexually frustrated people looking for some sort of relieve from our core lusts? Does our image scream out “must see sex” to the media drivers? So much that it leads them to think that sex must be displayed in all corners possible of  our interaction with the world?                                                 H’mmm don’t think I’ll get all these answers from regular folk but what I can deduce from all this is that there is a yearning for a satisfaction of peoples sexual desires. We are a lustful people!!

The Trivial Drama I Bring

Been doing a lot of introspection lately and I've come to realise that I'm THAAAAT friend!!!! That girl who in all honesty you don't want in your life because all that she ever brings is draaama! I hate to admit it but truth be told I am that girl.
I've just realised that in this year alone I've had so much drama to deal with and my friends always get dragged into it somehow. I would have loved to deal with it alone but because I don't live alone on my own planet where nobody cares about me, my friends and family just happen to end up in all my menial drama. Here's the thing with me, when I'm going through whatever ish I might be going through I don't want anyone around me, don't want their love, care, support, sympathy, NOTHING. I want nothing at all from anyone. And people never seem to get that its how I deal with my problems. And because people are different I come off as a troubled soul (which I kinda-sorta am). And naturally, in life you WILL  go through more than one testing time, we are faced with challenges everyday. So what does that mean for me? I'm always needing time alone.
So here's what I'm getting at, I just feel like I'm tiring to deal with. Actually I am. Obviously people won't be straight out and tell it to me, all in the name of being polite (but I know a few who would, given the chance). I think that being a friend to me is a tedious act and folk will, if not already, grow weary of always chasing me, trying to find out if I'm okay and fixing the relations I have with them because it always seems to happen time and time again. And you know what? I get it, I completely understand if people are tired of me. Shit I'd be tired of me if I was a friend to myself.
But on the contrary a part of me finds it unfair that I should think and feel for my friend and loved ones. Shutting them out without giving them a chance to voice out their thoughts and opinions isn't a reflection of the relations I have with them. Its an unreasonable dismisal. But my essential self finds it okay. Seeing to the fact that I'm a socially incapable girl, it makes sense to do in MY head.
I'm just saying, I won't and will not be shocked when I wake up tomorrow and I don't have any friends because I'm such a 'dramaful' person. I don't expect people to always be there for me and I don't expect them to understand. We can't all be figured out and you know what...I'm absolutely fine with that. I doesn't sadden me or anything because I know  the kind of person I am. I know my innermost thoughts, I'm the one that has to go to sleep with my personality and problems and I cannot expect another being to fully comprehend the person that I am. That's God's responsibility. And with that being said, I wouldn't mind waking up in a completely new place, where nobody knows anything about me but that which would be coming from my mouth. Nobody to explain myself to, nobody who cares about me, just new faces and a future to look forward to. Now that would be a dream I'd give my left pinkie for.

The Perfect Stranger

As of the 13th of October I can strongly and confidently say "I am not in the path that I'm supposed to be in". So on this very random and super chilled Saturday I met the perfect stranger. God sent is how I've made meaning of me meeting with this person. So on that Saturday, after two days of partying hard, I went to a nearby pub. I had just gotten my hair done and I decided let me stop there to get myself a drink and head home. I walked in with no expectations none whatsoever of talking nor meeting someone. I just needed some time alone to think my life through and decide where to from there. I was, and still am, going through a very deep time of self-introspection. Wanting to find out what I want to do with my life. Whether I want to continue with my studies or drop out and continue via a long distance learning institute. And with me thinking this through, in walked this guy who would point me in the right direction. He said hi and me being in my own little world unsuspectectly said hi back. Fast foward to about 15 min later and I'm over at his table talking about him, his line of work and how he got there.
Never in my life have ever had someone speak the very words that my soul needs to hear. This guy, who no longer was a stranger but what is my eyes a heaven sent being told me how he left the life that he had planned and started going towards the life that he was meant to live. He followed his heart. And I being the free spirit that I know I am was so intrigued. We had a very lengthy chat about feeling like you're bound in chains when you don't heed to what you're feeling inside.
I remember reading this one quote that said "As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul." And this quote has since stuck with me, the core meaning to it finally makes absolute sense to me. When you dont heed to the calling of your soul it feels like time wasted and talent untapped. Its all still a bit unclear as to what it is exactly I want to do but I know that right now I'm in the wrong line of "work" so to speak.
So me and this guy went on to my place to chill, we didn't want the day to end. It felt like me and him had known each other for years. I enjoyed the music he liked and vise versa. And oh was this a great time or what, I remember listening to a few hip hop songs and he was shocked at how I knew and loved that much hip hop. When we stoped talking (which was for a few moments) it felt like the music carried on our conversation. The one song that I remember carrying a lot of weight to our talk was The Fire by The Roots ft. John Legend. This song speaks volumes to what I'm feeling, the chorus goes "There's something in your heart, and it's in your eyes. It's the fire, inside you. Let it burn. You don't say good luck, You say don't give up. It's the fire, inside you. Let it burn." For me this song resognated the part of me that so badly wants to take a shot at the burning sensation I get in my chest when I think of doing all the things that make me happy. It also touches on pieces of me that want to just carry on with the 'normal' route and quit all this happy thinking.
Everything happens for a reason and this doesn't exclude my perfect stranger. I beleive I met him to nudge me in the direction of pushing forth my dreams and desires. I might have given up and thought all this to be madness but I sure as heaven won't forget my meeting with this amazing brother man.

12/08/2012 03:43:03 Hung Up On You

Its the morning of my mother's birthday, I'm at my study desk  supposed to be hard in the books but all that I can manage to think about is my tiny little broken heart and how it was so ruthlessly broken.
Like a worthless 5 cent coin one would toss in a pond passing the time of a boring afternoon.
My tiny little heart, how he had no regard of the emotions it just might go through as the repercussions of his actions. My forgotten little heart, he promised to never screw me over. But oh he screwed me over alright, hard at that. My tiny little heart, you're so shattered, how am I ever gonna fix you?! I can't gather all the pieces that belong to you, they're scattered all over with memories spent with him. Precious moments spent loving his admirable soul. Unique in its own right. How am I ever going to get the rest of me from him. He took his love away and here I sit, crying my eyes out over how I actually hadn't grasped the magnitude of the love that I had for the man. It was well over infatuation that which I was feeling for him, it had so beautifully matured into full blown love. It stood in its splendour everytime we shared our time together. So authentic, full of tomorrow. Hh'mm no use crying over spilt milk they say, but the sweet taste of love's nectar is worth seas of my tears. More especially love for a man I so very much adore. For you I will cry a river my sweet because even if you did me so undoubtedly wrong I just can't lie to myself and say I don't love you anymore. I've told you before and I'm saying it again. I don't believe I can stop loving someone, yes they might hurt me or I them and be out of each others lives but that doesn't mean I don't love themanymore.
You were so cold. Friends you suggested. I cannot lie to myself and pretend to enjoy our companionship as merely friends whereas I am still deeply in love with you. I cannot help but question if there was any truth in your words when your uttered "I love you". Repeatedly you said it to me, made me beleive it, brought me  to understand it, you immersed me in your words. Was it all in a "plan" to come back and make a mockery of the love I had develpoed for you? Make her love you then turn around switch the tables on her?
I miss you, terribly so. Not a single day passes by without thinking of you. Memories of our laughter together raid my mind. Healing this broken heart of mine is going to take longer than I had thought. For as long as your face is visible in my mind and I am unable to stop these thoughts, like a broken record they will keep playing. Over and over again with each cleaer than the former. I still needed you. My emotional stability I cannot gurantee to myself. As if already I wasn't emotionally off track.
We had a good thing going, as to what happened and how it happenned is all too hazy for me to try and break down for my own comprehension. All these questions taunt me in more ways than one. I don't know if its fear of rejection or whether its the fact that this is too deep a heartache for me to "investigate" the routes of how I got to be here but I wanna pick the phone up and call you yet I just can't bring myself to. I'm badly hung up on you...need to find my way out of this dark hole soon!!

Love Found, Kept and Lost

Relationships look a whole lot different from the outside-in. I always thought that people were exaggerating when they said that 'new love takes time and dedicaton'. I found it quite ridiculous to say that love needs time. In my head I thought that all things just fall into place when two people are together and love each other. But little did I know how they were so on point. They who had been in love before knew exactly what they were talking about.
Disregarding all the previous talks I've had with the people in my life I went on on my own tangent and fell in love. Yep, the typical 'I met a boy and I liked him' saga. Now if you know me well you'll know that I've never been one to entertain the idea of a relationship, never mind falling in love. I've always just thought that this dating thing was for girly girls and I just wasn't the kind of girl to stare into a partner's eyes and have my breath taken away. That sort of thing was just never for me, or so I thought . But there I was, January of 2012 and I was taken by this boy I had gotten to be "in strong like" with. That was my way of avoiding to use the 'L' word.
I met a boy and boy did he charm the socks off of me or what?! I wanted to keep him all to myself, I fell in love with his personality. He was the kind of dude I could hang with all day and never be bored. And so inevitably we became friends, talked to him almost everyday but never in my head did the thought of love cross my mind. And even if it might have I dismissed it completely until he was the first to come forth and profess his love for me.
And so with him having said that he loves me, never did I feel the pressure to say "I love you" whenever he said it. He never rushed met into something he could so blatantly see I wasn't ready for. He was a sweetheart like that. And so a month went by and I had really fallen for this dude, I'm talking heart, body and soul were all saying yes to this new light of joy in my life. Before I knew it, I found myself uttering the words "I love you" to him and I meant each and every word.
I remember talking to a friend of mine telling her how I don't think I should be in this but I couldn't help what I was feeling. All the emotions were real.
And so me and this boy had a good thing going for a while, things were great. Not perfect but simply great. With me being in such a heartfelt and real relationship for the very first time, I was the one who was always in the wrong. I was doing it all wrong. I didn't love him the way he wanted to be loved. I always missed important things, and because I loved him so much I told him to be patient with me. I promised him I'll do it right, I'll love him right, pay attention to the little things. I wanted to please him. I was so wholeheartedly ready to change me if it meant I got to keep him.
I fell in love with us, I loved us. We really did have a great thing going on. Us being in a long distance relationship wasn't such a major hiccup, we handled it quite well actually.
But with young and evidently not so mature love comes a heartbreak. I mean what the heck did I expect?? It was my first real relationship, happy ever afters don't exist in this day and age, well at least for the first timers. In a very harsh and painful way I quickly came to realise that he wasn't my "happy ever after" but rather my "one upon time". Not all things that come together stay together, yes I still love him. Very much so actually, but oh well the walls of Jericho came crashing down but I'm still here. Now I know I'm not the heartless biatch I thought I was towards men. This heart is penetrable, I just happened to have allowed it to the wrong somebody. Life goes on, we live and we learn and now I know better.

I'm Ready!!!

I must say there's nothing like a long good rest at home right before you kick off your semester with the determination you planned on having.
After quite a resful three and a half weeks at home, I'm back on campus and ready to kick off the semester with a bang. I'm refreshed and ready to take on the rest of the year. I didn't do as well as I thought I would have done BUT I did it anyway.
Ready to give it my all this time around. Gonna kick ass :)

LEGGGOOOO!!

I'm No Fighter, Love Is All I Got

I'm a very polite person, or so I'd like to think. I'm not one to pick a fight or start an argument. In fact my abilities to sustain a strong argument are very weak. Unless its a healthy debate of course. I'm always keen for those, ones that will enrich my mind and impart some sort of knowledge in me. But honey child best believe that futile arguments are not welcome in Mary-Anne Ville.
I'm a lover of peace and if I could I'd throw happy dust over everyone just so we all get along and all is kosher whenever we engage in conversation. But sadly I've noticed that my love for peace and happiness has come to be taken as some sort of personality defect. As if I'm unable to function properly in today's society. Well I'm sorry I don't take a liking to being bitchy and mean. What good reason do I have to make anyone feel uncomfortable or as if they don't fit in this world. Honey I was put on planet earth to share all the love I could, share my joy, learn from others and simply be as amazing as I can ever imagine myself to be.
People tend to walk all over me because of my meek character. I find it quite disturbing when someone wrongs another and they show no remorse for their actions simply because that person didn't have the "backbone" to bring it up that they've wronged them. Really?! Seriously?! But anyway I won't sit here and question people's intentions for their actions, everyone is responsible for what they do and know exactly what they're doing.
The point I'm trying to bring across is that society tends to expect everyone to be vicious and always ready for a fight. Some of us are lovers and not fighters at all. Soft-spoken people are taken for weaklings and are an invite to the bold characters to pick a fight. Can those with a chip on their shoulders calm a bit down and breathe though?!
Love is for the giving, life for the living and joy for sharing. And trust me I got enough to go around for those who lack and feel that frustrations should be taken out on the "easy targets". Planet earth belongs to us all, lets share it pumpkins and stop being bossy. Its not cute.