The Trivial Drama I Bring

Been doing a lot of introspection lately and I've come to realise that I'm THAAAAT friend!!!! That girl who in all honesty you don't want in your life because all that she ever brings is draaama! I hate to admit it but truth be told I am that girl.
I've just realised that in this year alone I've had so much drama to deal with and my friends always get dragged into it somehow. I would have loved to deal with it alone but because I don't live alone on my own planet where nobody cares about me, my friends and family just happen to end up in all my menial drama. Here's the thing with me, when I'm going through whatever ish I might be going through I don't want anyone around me, don't want their love, care, support, sympathy, NOTHING. I want nothing at all from anyone. And people never seem to get that its how I deal with my problems. And because people are different I come off as a troubled soul (which I kinda-sorta am). And naturally, in life you WILL  go through more than one testing time, we are faced with challenges everyday. So what does that mean for me? I'm always needing time alone.
So here's what I'm getting at, I just feel like I'm tiring to deal with. Actually I am. Obviously people won't be straight out and tell it to me, all in the name of being polite (but I know a few who would, given the chance). I think that being a friend to me is a tedious act and folk will, if not already, grow weary of always chasing me, trying to find out if I'm okay and fixing the relations I have with them because it always seems to happen time and time again. And you know what? I get it, I completely understand if people are tired of me. Shit I'd be tired of me if I was a friend to myself.
But on the contrary a part of me finds it unfair that I should think and feel for my friend and loved ones. Shutting them out without giving them a chance to voice out their thoughts and opinions isn't a reflection of the relations I have with them. Its an unreasonable dismisal. But my essential self finds it okay. Seeing to the fact that I'm a socially incapable girl, it makes sense to do in MY head.
I'm just saying, I won't and will not be shocked when I wake up tomorrow and I don't have any friends because I'm such a 'dramaful' person. I don't expect people to always be there for me and I don't expect them to understand. We can't all be figured out and you know what...I'm absolutely fine with that. I doesn't sadden me or anything because I know  the kind of person I am. I know my innermost thoughts, I'm the one that has to go to sleep with my personality and problems and I cannot expect another being to fully comprehend the person that I am. That's God's responsibility. And with that being said, I wouldn't mind waking up in a completely new place, where nobody knows anything about me but that which would be coming from my mouth. Nobody to explain myself to, nobody who cares about me, just new faces and a future to look forward to. Now that would be a dream I'd give my left pinkie for.

The Perfect Stranger

As of the 13th of October I can strongly and confidently say "I am not in the path that I'm supposed to be in". So on this very random and super chilled Saturday I met the perfect stranger. God sent is how I've made meaning of me meeting with this person. So on that Saturday, after two days of partying hard, I went to a nearby pub. I had just gotten my hair done and I decided let me stop there to get myself a drink and head home. I walked in with no expectations none whatsoever of talking nor meeting someone. I just needed some time alone to think my life through and decide where to from there. I was, and still am, going through a very deep time of self-introspection. Wanting to find out what I want to do with my life. Whether I want to continue with my studies or drop out and continue via a long distance learning institute. And with me thinking this through, in walked this guy who would point me in the right direction. He said hi and me being in my own little world unsuspectectly said hi back. Fast foward to about 15 min later and I'm over at his table talking about him, his line of work and how he got there.
Never in my life have ever had someone speak the very words that my soul needs to hear. This guy, who no longer was a stranger but what is my eyes a heaven sent being told me how he left the life that he had planned and started going towards the life that he was meant to live. He followed his heart. And I being the free spirit that I know I am was so intrigued. We had a very lengthy chat about feeling like you're bound in chains when you don't heed to what you're feeling inside.
I remember reading this one quote that said "As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul." And this quote has since stuck with me, the core meaning to it finally makes absolute sense to me. When you dont heed to the calling of your soul it feels like time wasted and talent untapped. Its all still a bit unclear as to what it is exactly I want to do but I know that right now I'm in the wrong line of "work" so to speak.
So me and this guy went on to my place to chill, we didn't want the day to end. It felt like me and him had known each other for years. I enjoyed the music he liked and vise versa. And oh was this a great time or what, I remember listening to a few hip hop songs and he was shocked at how I knew and loved that much hip hop. When we stoped talking (which was for a few moments) it felt like the music carried on our conversation. The one song that I remember carrying a lot of weight to our talk was The Fire by The Roots ft. John Legend. This song speaks volumes to what I'm feeling, the chorus goes "There's something in your heart, and it's in your eyes. It's the fire, inside you. Let it burn. You don't say good luck, You say don't give up. It's the fire, inside you. Let it burn." For me this song resognated the part of me that so badly wants to take a shot at the burning sensation I get in my chest when I think of doing all the things that make me happy. It also touches on pieces of me that want to just carry on with the 'normal' route and quit all this happy thinking.
Everything happens for a reason and this doesn't exclude my perfect stranger. I beleive I met him to nudge me in the direction of pushing forth my dreams and desires. I might have given up and thought all this to be madness but I sure as heaven won't forget my meeting with this amazing brother man.

12/08/2012 03:43:03 Hung Up On You

Its the morning of my mother's birthday, I'm at my study desk  supposed to be hard in the books but all that I can manage to think about is my tiny little broken heart and how it was so ruthlessly broken.
Like a worthless 5 cent coin one would toss in a pond passing the time of a boring afternoon.
My tiny little heart, how he had no regard of the emotions it just might go through as the repercussions of his actions. My forgotten little heart, he promised to never screw me over. But oh he screwed me over alright, hard at that. My tiny little heart, you're so shattered, how am I ever gonna fix you?! I can't gather all the pieces that belong to you, they're scattered all over with memories spent with him. Precious moments spent loving his admirable soul. Unique in its own right. How am I ever going to get the rest of me from him. He took his love away and here I sit, crying my eyes out over how I actually hadn't grasped the magnitude of the love that I had for the man. It was well over infatuation that which I was feeling for him, it had so beautifully matured into full blown love. It stood in its splendour everytime we shared our time together. So authentic, full of tomorrow. Hh'mm no use crying over spilt milk they say, but the sweet taste of love's nectar is worth seas of my tears. More especially love for a man I so very much adore. For you I will cry a river my sweet because even if you did me so undoubtedly wrong I just can't lie to myself and say I don't love you anymore. I've told you before and I'm saying it again. I don't believe I can stop loving someone, yes they might hurt me or I them and be out of each others lives but that doesn't mean I don't love themanymore.
You were so cold. Friends you suggested. I cannot lie to myself and pretend to enjoy our companionship as merely friends whereas I am still deeply in love with you. I cannot help but question if there was any truth in your words when your uttered "I love you". Repeatedly you said it to me, made me beleive it, brought me  to understand it, you immersed me in your words. Was it all in a "plan" to come back and make a mockery of the love I had develpoed for you? Make her love you then turn around switch the tables on her?
I miss you, terribly so. Not a single day passes by without thinking of you. Memories of our laughter together raid my mind. Healing this broken heart of mine is going to take longer than I had thought. For as long as your face is visible in my mind and I am unable to stop these thoughts, like a broken record they will keep playing. Over and over again with each cleaer than the former. I still needed you. My emotional stability I cannot gurantee to myself. As if already I wasn't emotionally off track.
We had a good thing going, as to what happened and how it happenned is all too hazy for me to try and break down for my own comprehension. All these questions taunt me in more ways than one. I don't know if its fear of rejection or whether its the fact that this is too deep a heartache for me to "investigate" the routes of how I got to be here but I wanna pick the phone up and call you yet I just can't bring myself to. I'm badly hung up on you...need to find my way out of this dark hole soon!!

Love Found, Kept and Lost

Relationships look a whole lot different from the outside-in. I always thought that people were exaggerating when they said that 'new love takes time and dedicaton'. I found it quite ridiculous to say that love needs time. In my head I thought that all things just fall into place when two people are together and love each other. But little did I know how they were so on point. They who had been in love before knew exactly what they were talking about.
Disregarding all the previous talks I've had with the people in my life I went on on my own tangent and fell in love. Yep, the typical 'I met a boy and I liked him' saga. Now if you know me well you'll know that I've never been one to entertain the idea of a relationship, never mind falling in love. I've always just thought that this dating thing was for girly girls and I just wasn't the kind of girl to stare into a partner's eyes and have my breath taken away. That sort of thing was just never for me, or so I thought . But there I was, January of 2012 and I was taken by this boy I had gotten to be "in strong like" with. That was my way of avoiding to use the 'L' word.
I met a boy and boy did he charm the socks off of me or what?! I wanted to keep him all to myself, I fell in love with his personality. He was the kind of dude I could hang with all day and never be bored. And so inevitably we became friends, talked to him almost everyday but never in my head did the thought of love cross my mind. And even if it might have I dismissed it completely until he was the first to come forth and profess his love for me.
And so with him having said that he loves me, never did I feel the pressure to say "I love you" whenever he said it. He never rushed met into something he could so blatantly see I wasn't ready for. He was a sweetheart like that. And so a month went by and I had really fallen for this dude, I'm talking heart, body and soul were all saying yes to this new light of joy in my life. Before I knew it, I found myself uttering the words "I love you" to him and I meant each and every word.
I remember talking to a friend of mine telling her how I don't think I should be in this but I couldn't help what I was feeling. All the emotions were real.
And so me and this boy had a good thing going for a while, things were great. Not perfect but simply great. With me being in such a heartfelt and real relationship for the very first time, I was the one who was always in the wrong. I was doing it all wrong. I didn't love him the way he wanted to be loved. I always missed important things, and because I loved him so much I told him to be patient with me. I promised him I'll do it right, I'll love him right, pay attention to the little things. I wanted to please him. I was so wholeheartedly ready to change me if it meant I got to keep him.
I fell in love with us, I loved us. We really did have a great thing going on. Us being in a long distance relationship wasn't such a major hiccup, we handled it quite well actually.
But with young and evidently not so mature love comes a heartbreak. I mean what the heck did I expect?? It was my first real relationship, happy ever afters don't exist in this day and age, well at least for the first timers. In a very harsh and painful way I quickly came to realise that he wasn't my "happy ever after" but rather my "one upon time". Not all things that come together stay together, yes I still love him. Very much so actually, but oh well the walls of Jericho came crashing down but I'm still here. Now I know I'm not the heartless biatch I thought I was towards men. This heart is penetrable, I just happened to have allowed it to the wrong somebody. Life goes on, we live and we learn and now I know better.

I'm Ready!!!

I must say there's nothing like a long good rest at home right before you kick off your semester with the determination you planned on having.
After quite a resful three and a half weeks at home, I'm back on campus and ready to kick off the semester with a bang. I'm refreshed and ready to take on the rest of the year. I didn't do as well as I thought I would have done BUT I did it anyway.
Ready to give it my all this time around. Gonna kick ass :)

LEGGGOOOO!!

I'm No Fighter, Love Is All I Got

I'm a very polite person, or so I'd like to think. I'm not one to pick a fight or start an argument. In fact my abilities to sustain a strong argument are very weak. Unless its a healthy debate of course. I'm always keen for those, ones that will enrich my mind and impart some sort of knowledge in me. But honey child best believe that futile arguments are not welcome in Mary-Anne Ville.
I'm a lover of peace and if I could I'd throw happy dust over everyone just so we all get along and all is kosher whenever we engage in conversation. But sadly I've noticed that my love for peace and happiness has come to be taken as some sort of personality defect. As if I'm unable to function properly in today's society. Well I'm sorry I don't take a liking to being bitchy and mean. What good reason do I have to make anyone feel uncomfortable or as if they don't fit in this world. Honey I was put on planet earth to share all the love I could, share my joy, learn from others and simply be as amazing as I can ever imagine myself to be.
People tend to walk all over me because of my meek character. I find it quite disturbing when someone wrongs another and they show no remorse for their actions simply because that person didn't have the "backbone" to bring it up that they've wronged them. Really?! Seriously?! But anyway I won't sit here and question people's intentions for their actions, everyone is responsible for what they do and know exactly what they're doing.
The point I'm trying to bring across is that society tends to expect everyone to be vicious and always ready for a fight. Some of us are lovers and not fighters at all. Soft-spoken people are taken for weaklings and are an invite to the bold characters to pick a fight. Can those with a chip on their shoulders calm a bit down and breathe though?!
Love is for the giving, life for the living and joy for sharing. And trust me I got enough to go around for those who lack and feel that frustrations should be taken out on the "easy targets". Planet earth belongs to us all, lets share it pumpkins and stop being bossy. Its not cute.

A Thousand Splendid Suns Indeed

So after almost a whole year of trying to get my hands on a copy of A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini from my campus library, because its always out, I finally did and maaan I gotta say it was worth the wait.
I first heard about the book on a local talk show, some ladies who are in a book club had just read it and where giving their views on the book. At that point I only wanted to read it because people belonging to a book club had read it and I thought that it must be brilliant since they even came to a talk show to talk about their latest read. I went on to search for the book at my library, and goodness me the back flips that my heart did when the system showed that my campus had the book!! But sadly it was out. I didn't care if it were out then, all that mattered was that we had it and I could soon get my hands on it, but little did I know what a long wait it would be.
But anyway, despite the long wait, I finally managed to get my hands on a copy and it felt like I was being reconnected with a long lost friend after years and years of searching. I remember smiling all the way home with that book in my bag. I simply could not wait to get home and read it.

What a beautiful composition of words lie in the pages of A Thousand Splendid Suns. Within the first few pages of reading I had already fallen in love with Hossein's style of writing. The way he so simply allows you to learn the language of the Afghans. He lets the reader connect the dots, doesn't give off too much information so as to spoil the story. I found that quite intriguing. I also fell in love with Miriam, one of the leading characters. She has got such a sad story, one that is apparently like many other Afghan women. It pains me to think that girls as young as 14 have to bare the burdens that old and matured women bare. Women who have lived and gathered enough wisdom in their years to face a tough life. What's more saddening is the fact that they don't have a say in the matter. Your personality, dreams and hopes are all shattered when your parents decide that you are ready to be married off.
Khaled tells the story of Meriam and Leila like only an insider would reveal the happenings of a secret society. He lets us in on the pain and suffering that these two women go through in their sudden change of life. He also shares their love and laughter as well. I being the emotional reader that I am, felt so connected to the characters. I could not contain my tears when Laila had to leave Aziza at the orphanage. That was such an extremely sad scene. I felt like I was both Aziza and Laila. Like Aziza because I know what it feels like to part with your mom and not knowing when you're going to see her again and with Laila I could just imagine how hard it must be having to appear strong in front of your daughter when you know very well that inside you're dying. Such pillars of strength women are.

But to say the least without giving away too much of the book I suggest you get yourself acquainted with the book. Its brilliant. I absolutely loved reading every bit of it. When I turned the page to read the last bit of writing it felt like those last few moments you spend with your bestfriend just before she's about to leave for another country *sob sob*. What I parted with from this book was that indeed we go through storms which at that time seem like they're never going to end BUT there are a thousand splendid suns that are yet to shine upon us :)

My Lust & Aversion For Life

Life, the very thing that we ought to appreciate, love, grasp with the tightest hold but yet somehow manoeuvre through with utmost ease and care because it can be so fragile and slip away on your guard. This beautiful life, the very one and only one you're given has a very funny way of just switching up on you and leave you with you with hands over head and jaw right at your feet. Or is it us that change towards life? You can just never be certain of anything while you're still on this life. The one minute you think you're at the peak of it and all is swell but the next thing you are rock bottom and everything is spinning out of control, and THAT is where I just lose my mind.
I'm not one who is fascinated by power, the 'exhilarating feeling of knowing YOU are in control' as those who love it explain it. It just doesn't excite me as much. Yeah sure I'd like to think I have some control over things such as  my studies, finances, love life and the like. I say some control because there are just so many factors to one area in my life. My studies for example, yes I'm responsible and have control over things such as making sure I have the study material and I study but I have no control over events that lead up to me being unable to study for one. I don't have control over me falling sick and therefore rendering me unable to study for my test, or in my attempt to study I do grasp the information but then being unable to produce it on paper because of some mental block that was caused by the sickens. I'm just saying you know, just throwing it out there. There are way too many things that can cause a person to lose control of things they thought they had control over.
But anyway back to my point, power doesn't excite me but I'm a huge fan of consistency. I cannot take it when things are a gigantic twirl of a non-stop roallercoaster. Some may say this is the beauty of it all but OMG it irks me to the core. I like knowing that 'ok right now we are in a bit of a tussle with life, just keep pushing' and then later on 'right now we are entering a very pleasurable state of mind and all is well'. Kinda like when you're in a plane or bus; "there is anticipated turbulence ahead, please stay seated fasten your safety belts and remain calm", "the cabin crew will be coming around in about twenty minutes time to offer you a light snack and beverage,until then, sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of the flight". I dunno man, something of that sort, you are warned the good and bad. For the sake of one's sanity is what its all about to me.
The only constant thing right now is the inconsistency of my life right now. The one minute I'm happy, all is fine and dandy and the next I just want to crawl into the next rabbit hole and stay there until whatever I'll be going through passes. Endurance is what I lack a friend of mine once said but I beg to differ. Endure craziness?! Endure the mess of a life that you're living?! Well I think not!! If there are people out there who are living in a dream each day, no problems none whatsoever, with exceptions of inevitable ones of which you are aware of, then honey I want that sweet life too. Too dreamy a state of mind I thought to myself the other day but I came back to my senses and assured myself that it honestly is attainable.
This madness called life sometimes makes me feel like I'm bipolar at times. I resent how I would be yearning to go out and just live. Just BE, see the world, spend time with loved ones, read, write, listen to all the beautiful music in the world and then I swear its like someone would say ' hold up lil Missy, who do you think you are, deserving of all this joy you dream about?!' and then they would slap me with a problem that would then send me in some sort of dizzy spell and my world comes crumbling down. Uuuurgggg!!! Totally hate that!
I refuse to let my thirst for life be quenched with unwelcomed obstacles. Can a sister just live though?! GOODNESS!!

Long Time No Blog

Woow, it has been too long a minute since I checked out my blog or just written anything!! Oh how I surely did miss the thrill that comes with sitting in front of the pc screen and pour out my thoughts onto these willing keyboard buttons *sigh*.
A good 7 months it has been I must say and oh soooo much has happened. What in the world was I thinking abandoning my online diary like that?! It is totally and completely unacceptable. I vow to blog so much it turn into a habbit from now on. Ok I must admit that sounds a bit geeky and lifeless but I shall do it nonetheless. For my sanity and just to keep it as a way for me to introspect. No matter how good or how bad life gets, I promise to never disown my blog, well for at least such a long period of time.This is my sanctuary, my place of relief and just pouring it all out without sifting anything. Just all bare, naked and RAW!!! *raawwwrrrr*
But where shall I start though? So much has happened...