The Colours of My Soul

 

Paint me with the colours of my soul, I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within. As colourful as the rainbow with the calm of the blue Greece oceans which are only a reflection of the the sky I am told. Higher above this sky I beleive therein lies the Heavens, where my Omnipresent Maker sits on His throne. Paint me with the colours of my soul I said, these ought to be rare colours for I am the epitome of rare. Love me, hate me or feel nothing at all towards me but honey my existance will not go unnoticed.

Its All A Dream...No Its not! Ok I Don't Know

"Snap out of it" that's my daily fix. I can't go a day without saying it of late. I feel like everything is a dream. Me sitting here in front of this PC is as real as it gets but somewhere in the back of my mind I'm having a conversation about how this is a dream and I'm gon wake up in just a bit.
When I google diagnose myself its called depersonalisation. What the heck is that?! I feel like I'm losing my marbles..how many did I have to start with. Good gosh, where do we keep these marbles in the first place for us to start noticing that we're losing them :/ Somebody point me to my marble jar and to he who has all their marbles so I can do reference stock taking.
No seriously though, I'm having the time of my life where I'm at. I'm finally free and doing what makes me happy, answering to no one but the Almighty Himself. Why would such a thing creep up on me like that?! Can I live?! Can I be at a place where the normal operation of my psyche is not threatened by such a "disorder".
Alas my beautiful mind, you are free. Worry not about anyone nor anything else depriving you of your happiness. You have set yourself free from the chains of society where "normal" is celebrated and weird is frowned upon. In fact thou art not weird, thou art different and that is no different from being absolutely awesome. So relax...allow your mind to dance to the unending song of freedom. A free mind, body and soul. You know that is your ultimate dream, to be smack dab at the centre of liberty's party. Take off your clothes and feel the music through your skin. Let your brazen self show off her moves because the whole world ought to see all this. Mick Jagger ain't got nothing on you child, move...move, dammit move to the rhythm of the beat. Listen to that, look around, do you see that? Do you taste that? Its different right? Honey boo that's called freedom and you better get used to it. You are not dreaming because this is as real as it gets. Get used to it.

My Baggage My Luggage My Issues...MY STUFF!!

So I been spending some time with my thoughts. Aren't I always in my thoughts thou?! But I mean really diggin into that grey matter. Digging, searching, and finding all of my junk. No, not finding the sweater I thought my friend stole, searching for my hair pins nor digging through a trunk full of old shoes. I'm talking about searching through all of my stuff, my emotional stuff. Reasons why I act in a certain manner and always react in a certain way to similar situations. From the outside in it just looks like I'm one helluva messed up girl, but its all just an 'acting out' of whats going on on the inside.
Having to literally sit and go through my past experiences and what I felt at the occurence of the happenings wasn't an easy thing to do but it had to be done if I wanted to change where I was at the time. No not geographical location but where I'm at mentally. Where are my thoughts and whats the general make up of my emotional intelligence. Am I where I think I ought to be at this point in time in my life?

And what came of my 'session' is that I'm made up of all my 'stuff'. Past hurts, anger, let downs, dissapointemts and all other junk. One can never run away from their experiences, once in a while we'll lie to ourselves and say "such and such a situation does not define me".
In my case that has all been a carpet pulled over a ticking bomb, a bomb threateing to destroy my very being. Truth is I am my stuff, its mine though and excuse me if it seems like I'm tryna lay all that is me on you, its just so heavy but it is my stuff. Thinking of it in that manner made me go back to Ntozake Shange's work, oh how I love this woman work. He thoughts, the way she relays her happenings in such a real way is beautiful. Even though me and her haven't been throught the same shit I just understand her and connect with her work. It must be a libra woman thing, or better yet an October 18 thing that we have hahahaha.
Here is one of her offerings to colored girls without a rainbow.


              somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff 
not my poems or a dance i gave up in the street
            but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff

like a kleptomaniac workin hard & forgettin while stealin
 this is mine/this aint yr stuff/
now why don’t you put me back & let me hang out in my own self

somebody almost walked off wit alla my stuff ; didn’t care enuf to send a note home sayin 
i was late for my solo conversation
 or two sizes to small for my own tacky skirts

what can anybody do wit somethin of no value on
a open market/ did you getta dime for my things/
hey man/ where are you goin wid alla my stuff/
to ohh & ahh abt/ daddy/ i gotta mainline number 
from my own shit/ now wontcha put me back/ & let
 me play this duet/ wit silver ring in my nose/
honest to god/

somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ 
& i didnt bring anythin but the kick & sway of it 
the perfect ass for my man & none of it is theirs 
this is mine/ ntozake ‘her own things’/ that’s my name
 now give me my stuff/ i see ya hidin my laugh/ & how i
s it wif my legs open sometimes/ to give me 
some sunlight/ & there goes my love my toes my chewed 
up finger nails/ niggah/ wif the curls in yr hair/
mr. louisiana hot link/

i want my stuff back/
my rhythms & my voice/ open my mouth/ & let me talk ya 
outta/ throwin my shit in the sewar/ this is some delicate 
leg & whimsical kiss/ i gotta have to give to my choice/
without you runnin off wit alla my shit/
now you cant have me less i give me away/  i waz
doin all that/ til ya run off on a good thing/

who is this you left me wit/ some simple bitch 
widda bad attitude/ i wants my things/
i want my arm wit the hot iron scar/ & my leg wit the
 flea bite/ i want my calloused feet & quik language back
in my mouth/ fried plantains/ pineapple pear juice/ 
sun-ra & joseph & jules/ i want my own things/ how i lived them/
& give me my memories/ how i waz when i waz there/
you cant have them or do nothin wit them/

stealin my shit from me/ dont make it yrs/ makes it stolen/
somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin
 there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time 
& it waznt a spirit took my stuff/ waz a man whose 
ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow/ waz a man faster
n my innocence/

waz a lover/ i made too much 
room for/ almost run off wit alla my stuff/
& i didnt know i’d give it up so quik/ & the one runnin wit it/
don’t know he got it/ & i’m shoutin this is mine/ & he dont 
know he got it/ my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure
 of the year/

did you know somebody almost got away wit me/
me in a plastic bag under their arm/ me 
danglin on a string of personal carelessness/ i’m spattered wit
 mud & city rain/ & no i didnt get a chance to take a douche/
hey man/ this is not your prerogative/ i gotta have me in my
 pocket/ to get round like a good woman shd/ & make the poem
in the pot or the chicken in the dance/

what i got to do/
i gotta get my stuff to do it to/
why dont ya find yr own things/ & leave this package 
of me for my destiny/ what ya got to get from me/
i’ll give it to ya/ yeh/ i’ll give it to ya/
round 5:00 in the winter/ when the sky is blue-red/
& Dew City is gettin pressed/ if it’s really my stuff/
ya gotta give it to me/ if ya really want it/ i’m 
the only one/ can handle it

-----By: Ntozake Shange.

My Grand Epiphany

Because I know better, I ought to do better. This constant revoking of my feelings, thoughts and overall opinion in order to spare the next person their feelings has proven to be a very toxic habitude, My apparent need to make and try to keep everyone happy has done nothing for me but rip me off of the happiness I was so desperately needing to give out. But with this realization that I'm not to be held accountable for anyone's happiness but my own, I feel a whole lot lighter. One might say "well uhm who appointed you as the happiness giver", and this would be a fair question. Obviously there is no appointment for such, but me being the kind of person that I am, I always feel like he who is around me should have nothing but a smile on their face. Its just something that I love, seeing smiles on people's faces.
And so with me being the kind of person that spares peoples emotions, its only inevitable that I end up in situations, relationships and with things that I no longer need in my life. I'm left with all this emotional junk that I didn't even know I had. That's what happens with wimps, you get stuck with a whole lot of clutter that you don't even know how to get rid of because its far too much. Where do you dump it? How do you even begin to unpack all the rumble?? I don't have the answers to all of that but this morning I realized that God has them. I'm not one to speak to another person about my feelings and all that 'stuff', I've never been able to do that. Its only in the presence of God that I'm able to pour it all out, coz He gets me. And so it was in his oh so awesome presence that I came to this great epiphany. I hold myself responsible for a lot of things that I don't need to which in turn makes me too damn apologetic. A weakling really in totality. But I am done. As off this morning I made the conscious decision to walk away from anything and everything that I've unnecessarily been binding myself to. Robert Tew said it best- "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy." And for me this includes friendships, relationships and commitments I've put myself in.
If it rips me off of my sanity and happiness then I'm through with it. If my reasons for doing something are no longer clear and  sensible to be now then best believe I AM through. This is a long overdue realization but I'm glad it happened now because had it happened a year ago I bet I would've somehow talked myself into staying in a hot mess. I know I'm good at that.
But now that I know better, am grown, more understanding and aware of the need to put my psychological needs first, I'm glad that I will do better. With all the unnecessary relations and friendships out the way, I can now focus my energies on those that I revere. Grateful!!

A Heart That Hoards

Beware the contents of a heart that hoards for when it brings to the reserve what it has been piling, your are sure not to find diamonds and pearls.
Lessons learnt and heartache are what keeps it beating each day with the remembrance of it all.
A heart that hoards never forgets.
Its like an ancient volcanic mountain that only legend has it that it once erupted.
It is able to erupt, knows it should erupt. But it fights it, for the outpouring of its words is like lava. Fast, hot, deathly and irrevocable. It will cause damage. It will burn bridges.
In the secret place where my thoughts are unsifted, raw and honest will I lay it all there. I'll spare you the pain of dealing with the truth. Simply because you are weak.
I despise the day that you made yourself known to me, known to my loved ones. Everything was ok right up until you made your presence known. Some bold appearance you making at that, do your past ways of "dealing" with me not bring shame to you? Does your shame not bring you to your knees? How dare you still come around here with that much of an ego. How dare you demand the respect that an honourable being deserves? You are pathetic!!!
Your insidious plans are transparent. You think your venomous smile and eluding jokes cover it well but my dear your temple is one made of glass. I am prepared though, I plan to be in full armour for the day that you decide you have taken all that you can and are enough. I will not be a victim the second time around.
Fool everyone, even the very apple of my eye, but I your beloved one are well prepared for your silly games. Time is moving fast but not fast enough...I cannot wait to expose you for the scheming bastard that you are!!

Fifty Shades of Lust

Just a few weeks ago I got myself a copy on a very beautiful read, and I have a very famous new type of read to thank for that. It was in such a “oh well” manner how I got the book. I had just popped into a stationary store in the hope of getting my hands on the much then talked about book Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought it would be all over the store since it was the title on everyone’s lips, but to my avail it wasn't.  So I went on onto the Internet to get the author’s name, and since I knew nothing of the book I decided to read the book synopsis while I was at it. Can I just take this moment to thank Wikipedia’s very straightforward and factual way of explaining/ describing/updating us on things of the world, because it took just one sentence from the book’s page on Wikipedia to know EXACTLY what that book was about and I immediately lost all interest in it. It read “Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic novel by British Author E.L James” It took no further reading to know that the book wasn't my glass of wine. 

I mean really, a whole 500 odd paged novel on sexual escapades? Really?! Is that what our reading has been reduced to? I thought we already had almost half of the film industry dedicated to the arousal of people’s minds and their genitals. Is it not enough that people can walk into a store solely made for the exchange of erotic films and all other sexual toys? And need I mention how you may do so at any time of day? Or so I've heard, I mean I wouldn't know of anything of that sort. As if already our televisions aren’t bombarded with all things sexual.  We get the point that “sex sells” but it can’t sell EVERYTHING!! And now somebody had to go on and barge in on such an elite industry as that of books. Just what we need right?!

I’m not saying that there haven’t been any books of this sort, there’s an endless shelf of Mills & Boon in my very own home to contest my word on that. But this one must be a first of its kind; its rather very graphic, or at least I can imagine it to be with the choice of the word ‘erotic’ used to describe it. Its ‘hard-core porn’ whereas the products of Mills & Boon are more tasteful in their nature.  This book is a first of its kind and it hit everybody by storm. It sold over 65 million copies worldwide, now that is a very impressive number. “The fastest-selling paperback of all time” it says on Wikipedia.  

Well it appears that the inhabitants of this world have been waiting for a read such as this. Could it be that finally something extremely sexual wasn't hidden away in a dodgy shop down the street corner? Or maybe its because the age restriction of ‘R Rated’ films was uncapped when put on paper. That should explain the fast pace of its selling. Or could it be that people are more comfortable now to talk about sex, are more people being sexually liberated now? The sales and the talk surrounding this book leaves me with lots of questions regarding us as humans. Are we a sexually frustrated people looking for some sort of relieve from our core lusts? Does our image scream out “must see sex” to the media drivers? So much that it leads them to think that sex must be displayed in all corners possible of  our interaction with the world?                                                 H’mmm don’t think I’ll get all these answers from regular folk but what I can deduce from all this is that there is a yearning for a satisfaction of peoples sexual desires. We are a lustful people!!