Hey Lover,
I find myself thinking of you now more than I ever have in the time that we've been apart. Life has changed, I'm a mother now. I had only ever dreamed of having kids with you but as life would have it, it didn't turn out that way. I day dream about you at the most random of times. I keep imagining you walking into my workplace for a surprise visit. The probabilities of that occurring are zero to none for obvious reasons of course. Its the momentary satisfaction of my longing for you that makes this mirage worthy of believing.
Damn this digital world we're living in for its many avenues to get to one person. But damn us for giving it our address. If it weren't for it I wouldn't constantly be on your pages looking at your life without me. My aching for you wouldn't be so deep. If it weren't for the many ways I can follow you around I'm quite certain I would not be here thinking about how I could have made it work out with you and I.
Perhaps I should be grateful it didn't work out because I've kind of grown in terms of my perspective on relationships. What we had was beautiful. I loved it but I did not respect it and hold it to the heights that it was supposed to be. I took your love for me for granted. How I wish I had been more loyal, all too late for a wish now. I am however glad I didn't waste your time any further. You were ready for a Queen to hold down your fort for you but I was too full of games. I was with you at a time in my life when I had to heal myself of the may hurts my life had inflicted on me. The thing with love is, you cannot pour from a leaking vessel. I had and I still have love for you but I being the giver was devoid of the wholeness that is needed to make it unquestionable (you know what I mean).
The passion was there but I needed to be whole to make the flame last.
I have never loved another like I loved you. You loved me as I am. Quirks and all. But I disappointed you all so many times. I keep thinking our paths will cross again and we can do it all over again but reality is quite a friendly ghost in my life, a friendly savage. I'll have you know that you have ruined (not really) good music for me. I cannot listen to The Hics without thinking about me in your arms at "the shack". That memory always leaves the sweetest of tastes in my mouth, that of your breath.
Hey Lover, I miss you. I wish I could be your friend. Just so that I'm not a complete stranger to your loving soul. Letting go is not easy but I have to. My life has to go on without you. There is a maturing of my emotions and its sad that its not with you. I hope that what I have put down here will help my heart to lay down all yearning for a life with you. The impossibilities alone are a freshly sharpened dagger pointed at my chest threatening my life, the thoughts have to dismissed with urgency. Life has changed and to steer the train of the tracks is to incite a panicking of the soul and thus unhappiness.
Its best to leave things as they are. But remember love will always carry us through.
Lots of tongue action (hahahaha),
Tlhogi
