Because I know better, I ought to do better. This constant revoking of my feelings, thoughts and overall opinion in order to spare the next person their feelings has proven to be a very toxic habitude, My apparent need to make and try to keep everyone happy has done nothing for me but rip me off of the happiness I was so desperately needing to give out. But with this realization that I'm not to be held accountable for anyone's happiness but my own, I feel a whole lot lighter. One might say "well uhm who appointed you as the happiness giver", and this would be a fair question. Obviously there is no appointment for such, but me being the kind of person that I am, I always feel like he who is around me should have nothing but a smile on their face. Its just something that I love, seeing smiles on people's faces.
And so with me being the kind of person that spares peoples emotions, its only inevitable that I end up in situations, relationships and with things that I no longer need in my life. I'm left with all this emotional junk that I didn't even know I had. That's what happens with wimps, you get stuck with a whole lot of clutter that you don't even know how to get rid of because its far too much. Where do you dump it? How do you even begin to unpack all the rumble?? I don't have the answers to all of that but this morning I realized that God has them. I'm not one to speak to another person about my feelings and all that 'stuff', I've never been able to do that. Its only in the presence of God that I'm able to pour it all out, coz He gets me. And so it was in his oh so awesome presence that I came to this great epiphany. I hold myself responsible for a lot of things that I don't need to which in turn makes me too damn apologetic. A weakling really in totality. But I am done. As off this morning I made the conscious decision to walk away from anything and everything that I've unnecessarily been binding myself to. Robert Tew said it best- "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy." And for me this includes friendships, relationships and commitments I've put myself in.
If it rips me off of my sanity and happiness then I'm through with it. If my reasons for doing something are no longer clear and sensible to be now then best believe I AM through. This is a long overdue realization but I'm glad it happened now because had it happened a year ago I bet I would've somehow talked myself into staying in a hot mess. I know I'm good at that.
But now that I know better, am grown, more understanding and aware of the need to put my psychological needs first, I'm glad that I will do better. With all the unnecessary relations and friendships out the way, I can now focus my energies on those that I revere. Grateful!!
