Its the morning of my mother's birthday, I'm at my study desk supposed to be hard in the books but all that I can manage to think about is my tiny little broken heart and how it was so ruthlessly broken.
Like a worthless 5 cent coin one would toss in a pond passing the time of a boring afternoon.
My tiny little heart, how he had no regard of the emotions it just might go through as the repercussions of his actions. My forgotten little heart, he promised to never screw me over. But oh he screwed me over alright, hard at that. My tiny little heart, you're so shattered, how am I ever gonna fix you?! I can't gather all the pieces that belong to you, they're scattered all over with memories spent with him. Precious moments spent loving his admirable soul. Unique in its own right. How am I ever going to get the rest of me from him. He took his love away and here I sit, crying my eyes out over how I actually hadn't grasped the magnitude of the love that I had for the man. It was well over infatuation that which I was feeling for him, it had so beautifully matured into full blown love. It stood in its splendour everytime we shared our time together. So authentic, full of tomorrow. Hh'mm no use crying over spilt milk they say, but the sweet taste of love's nectar is worth seas of my tears. More especially love for a man I so very much adore. For you I will cry a river my sweet because even if you did me so undoubtedly wrong I just can't lie to myself and say I don't love you anymore. I've told you before and I'm saying it again. I don't believe I can stop loving someone, yes they might hurt me or I them and be out of each others lives but that doesn't mean I don't love themanymore.
You were so cold. Friends you suggested. I cannot lie to myself and pretend to enjoy our companionship as merely friends whereas I am still deeply in love with you. I cannot help but question if there was any truth in your words when your uttered "I love you". Repeatedly you said it to me, made me beleive it, brought me to understand it, you immersed me in your words. Was it all in a "plan" to come back and make a mockery of the love I had develpoed for you? Make her love you then turn around switch the tables on her?
I miss you, terribly so. Not a single day passes by without thinking of you. Memories of our laughter together raid my mind. Healing this broken heart of mine is going to take longer than I had thought. For as long as your face is visible in my mind and I am unable to stop these thoughts, like a broken record they will keep playing. Over and over again with each cleaer than the former. I still needed you. My emotional stability I cannot gurantee to myself. As if already I wasn't emotionally off track.
We had a good thing going, as to what happened and how it happenned is all too hazy for me to try and break down for my own comprehension. All these questions taunt me in more ways than one. I don't know if its fear of rejection or whether its the fact that this is too deep a heartache for me to "investigate" the routes of how I got to be here but I wanna pick the phone up and call you yet I just can't bring myself to. I'm badly hung up on you...need to find my way out of this dark hole soon!!
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Tuesday 14 August 2012
Love Found, Kept and Lost
Relationships look a whole lot different from the outside-in. I always thought that people were exaggerating when they said that 'new love takes time and dedicaton'. I found it quite ridiculous to say that love needs time. In my head I thought that all things just fall into place when two people are together and love each other. But little did I know how they were so on point. They who had been in love before knew exactly what they were talking about.
Disregarding all the previous talks I've had with the people in my life I went on on my own tangent and fell in love. Yep, the typical 'I met a boy and I liked him' saga. Now if you know me well you'll know that I've never been one to entertain the idea of a relationship, never mind falling in love. I've always just thought that this dating thing was for girly girls and I just wasn't the kind of girl to stare into a partner's eyes and have my breath taken away. That sort of thing was just never for me, or so I thought . But there I was, January of 2012 and I was taken by this boy I had gotten to be "in strong like" with. That was my way of avoiding to use the 'L' word.
I met a boy and boy did he charm the socks off of me or what?! I wanted to keep him all to myself, I fell in love with his personality. He was the kind of dude I could hang with all day and never be bored. And so inevitably we became friends, talked to him almost everyday but never in my head did the thought of love cross my mind. And even if it might have I dismissed it completely until he was the first to come forth and profess his love for me.
And so with him having said that he loves me, never did I feel the pressure to say "I love you" whenever he said it. He never rushed met into something he could so blatantly see I wasn't ready for. He was a sweetheart like that. And so a month went by and I had really fallen for this dude, I'm talking heart, body and soul were all saying yes to this new light of joy in my life. Before I knew it, I found myself uttering the words "I love you" to him and I meant each and every word.
I remember talking to a friend of mine telling her how I don't think I should be in this but I couldn't help what I was feeling. All the emotions were real.
And so me and this boy had a good thing going for a while, things were great. Not perfect but simply great. With me being in such a heartfelt and real relationship for the very first time, I was the one who was always in the wrong. I was doing it all wrong. I didn't love him the way he wanted to be loved. I always missed important things, and because I loved him so much I told him to be patient with me. I promised him I'll do it right, I'll love him right, pay attention to the little things. I wanted to please him. I was so wholeheartedly ready to change me if it meant I got to keep him.
I fell in love with us, I loved us. We really did have a great thing going on. Us being in a long distance relationship wasn't such a major hiccup, we handled it quite well actually.
But with young and evidently not so mature love comes a heartbreak. I mean what the heck did I expect?? It was my first real relationship, happy ever afters don't exist in this day and age, well at least for the first timers. In a very harsh and painful way I quickly came to realise that he wasn't my "happy ever after" but rather my "one upon time". Not all things that come together stay together, yes I still love him. Very much so actually, but oh well the walls of Jericho came crashing down but I'm still here. Now I know I'm not the heartless biatch I thought I was towards men. This heart is penetrable, I just happened to have allowed it to the wrong somebody. Life goes on, we live and we learn and now I know better.
Disregarding all the previous talks I've had with the people in my life I went on on my own tangent and fell in love. Yep, the typical 'I met a boy and I liked him' saga. Now if you know me well you'll know that I've never been one to entertain the idea of a relationship, never mind falling in love. I've always just thought that this dating thing was for girly girls and I just wasn't the kind of girl to stare into a partner's eyes and have my breath taken away. That sort of thing was just never for me, or so I thought . But there I was, January of 2012 and I was taken by this boy I had gotten to be "in strong like" with. That was my way of avoiding to use the 'L' word.
I met a boy and boy did he charm the socks off of me or what?! I wanted to keep him all to myself, I fell in love with his personality. He was the kind of dude I could hang with all day and never be bored. And so inevitably we became friends, talked to him almost everyday but never in my head did the thought of love cross my mind. And even if it might have I dismissed it completely until he was the first to come forth and profess his love for me.
And so with him having said that he loves me, never did I feel the pressure to say "I love you" whenever he said it. He never rushed met into something he could so blatantly see I wasn't ready for. He was a sweetheart like that. And so a month went by and I had really fallen for this dude, I'm talking heart, body and soul were all saying yes to this new light of joy in my life. Before I knew it, I found myself uttering the words "I love you" to him and I meant each and every word.
I remember talking to a friend of mine telling her how I don't think I should be in this but I couldn't help what I was feeling. All the emotions were real.
And so me and this boy had a good thing going for a while, things were great. Not perfect but simply great. With me being in such a heartfelt and real relationship for the very first time, I was the one who was always in the wrong. I was doing it all wrong. I didn't love him the way he wanted to be loved. I always missed important things, and because I loved him so much I told him to be patient with me. I promised him I'll do it right, I'll love him right, pay attention to the little things. I wanted to please him. I was so wholeheartedly ready to change me if it meant I got to keep him.
I fell in love with us, I loved us. We really did have a great thing going on. Us being in a long distance relationship wasn't such a major hiccup, we handled it quite well actually.
But with young and evidently not so mature love comes a heartbreak. I mean what the heck did I expect?? It was my first real relationship, happy ever afters don't exist in this day and age, well at least for the first timers. In a very harsh and painful way I quickly came to realise that he wasn't my "happy ever after" but rather my "one upon time". Not all things that come together stay together, yes I still love him. Very much so actually, but oh well the walls of Jericho came crashing down but I'm still here. Now I know I'm not the heartless biatch I thought I was towards men. This heart is penetrable, I just happened to have allowed it to the wrong somebody. Life goes on, we live and we learn and now I know better.
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