To the one viewing from the outside-in they would think its rather sad but for me that's on the inside and having to live with it, its ok. When you've lived with yourself for some time I guess you just have to accept yourself for what you are.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder sometime last year around this time, on the 3rd of May to be more exact. The day before my uncle passed away and before my little sister's 12th birthday. I was angry at the time, asking God questions like why me and so forth. I went for therapy for sometime and eventually stopped coz well I left the town I was receiving therapy in. Ran away more honestly. I thought I could escape what was causing this disorder but little did I know how I was running to a place where it would be more aggravated. I hated everyone and everything, I just wanted to be by myself. I wanted nothing to do with anyone in my life then, including my beloved mother. How tragic. But I got back to being normal for a little while, or so I thought. See with me I just never know when I'm going to "act up" again, it just happens. No warnings to myself or the next person. I just do random stuff that later on I can't explain to myself.
I'm very impulsive, meaning whenever I feel like doing something I just do it. Problem is I never want to face the repercussions of my nonsensical behaviour. For example, not so long ago I decided I'm going to spend my rent money, how I was going to replace it was of no importance to me at the time because I just wanted to have fun. Fun, the thing that always lands me in trouble. I go rock star, ape crazy when I want to have a good time. I do what I want to do when I want to do it, oh how I wish I was alone and I had no one to explain myself to when I do such. When I'm being impulsive its terrible, I'd literally talk to myself about what I'm about to do and how I shouldn't do it but guess what, I do it anyway. This umbrellas everything from finances to relationships to eating, heck man if I decide to cut my hair at any given moment I know I'd do it. I don't know why Im so impulsive but after all the action I loathe myself. When the hate for self sinks in I then want to end my life. Lol, I've written more suicidal notes than I could ever bother myself to count. I've accepted it as a way of my life, but no more it ends here.
For a couple of months now I've been thinking that I had this under control because of my new found spirituality. I found God in a new light, I understand him better now because I thought I understood myself better. I've been carrying this idea with me for a while now, the idea of how I'm gonna make it in life. You know; build a life worth living, experience spiritual bliss, give my mother beautiful grandchildren, grow old and just be gat damn happy man. Happiness, a delusion to me really, how the hell did I think I'm ever going to be happy when I'm crazy. My happiness has always been fleeting, stemming from the high I get from alcohol's intoxication or from the amazing people I'm surrounded by. I always feed off of the next person's energy because I have none for myself. The only energy I can generate for myself lasts for no longer than a day or so and I run low again. Its like I'm a malfunctioning machine; I fix myself now with every possible pep talk I can find on the net, function normally for a day or two and then I fall flat on my face, get suicidal and all until my next fix of pep talk. Its all always up and down for me, never a flat straight road where I can see where I'm going.
I don't expect anyone to understand, more especially black people because mental disorders such as these are seen to be "white people's diseases." I've learned to put on a smile and act normal, well at least I try to act how everyone around me acts. But when I'm alone and the lights go out I'm alone with my mind its a battlefield; my mind, the heart and my soul all put out their guns fighting for my body. My soul always being the soft spoken of the three and the one that prevails but I'm tired of housing these wars now, its tedious. My soul's will to live is countered by my mind's unending beckoning to die everyday. I cannot live like this, I don't want to. I'm glad that it all doesn't end here, I'm so overjoyed that I get another shot at life in a different body and in a next lifetime.
All my relationships are unstable, all of them. From ones with family members, friends, colleagues and my one romantic relationship, they are all unstable. Everyone in my life can testify to how they never know whats going on with me. The one time I'm at an all time high with everyone and things are fantastic, we have grand times and life is just amazing then it all goes bad. I swear its like jumping from Mount Kilimanjaro right down to the Dead sea, and when I'm down in the Dead sea I feel exactly that way...DEAD! I get to a point where I don't want to talk to anyone and I wish I didn't know any of them. I just want to leave and be by myself. I have an internal love/hate relationship with everyone. I'll love you forever but do one silly thing and I hate you eternally and then I miss you and love you again. I'm retarded like that, I can never be reasonable and think rationally. But I'm sorry guys, its just how I am. You'll never have to deal with my madness again.
I meet a lot of people everyday and I get along with them all. Everyone is full of compliments towards the kind of person I am. This must be the universe's way of signalling me to keep on keeping on. See if I had a sneak peek of where it is I'll be in the the next year or so then maybe I would keep on but I don't and I don't like what I'm seeing now so I might as well end it all.
"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, I get along with the voices inside of my head. You trying to save me, stop holding your breath. You think I'm crazy well that's nothing."
I couldn't have said it better, I've lived with my madness for far too long and I guess I'm ok with it to a certain extent. You on the other hand my beloved one I feel for you, to you all this is just incomprehensible. But let me help you out so you stop holding your breath, I'm ungovernable! I cannot be saved from myself.
Mother, the love I feel for you goes beyond eternity and infinity itself. I could never love another the way that I love you. Be strong. Life is beautiful and you cannot linger on the thought of a dead loved one for too long. Grow old and beautiful. I hope the little one can give you what I couldn't give to you as the older one.
I have nothing but love for you all.
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